Happy Rosh Chodesh Adar! Mishenichnas Adar marbim b’simcha – so let’s discuss simcha.
This is a topic that comes up rather often on the blog, as it’s something that can be a struggle for anyone going through a nisayon (and not just shidduchim, obviously!).
Recently, two married friends told me, separately, that the number one best thing I could do as a single is to become independently happy. In other words, to be the creator of my own happiness, without relying on anyone or anything to give it to me. They both shared that they know plenty of women who rely on their husbands or children to make them happy and it really taxes their relationships (and doesn’t even make them happy). I think this is something many of us have learned at this point, but it was good and validating to hear it again from people “on the other side.” Really and truly, the best thing you bring to marriage is a happy, autonomous self.
I will tell you honestly, I used to struggle a lot with the idea of “being happy.” As a teen, I was really irritated by the camp cheer “positiiive attiuuude”; it was just so fake and unappealing. I was more of the intense, serious type and didn’t see how (or why) that would change. But I’ve come to learn, through life experiences and from the right teachers, that happiness is not denial, it’s not forced, and it’s not two-dimensional. It’s not a tarp thrown over your very real challenges. Happiness is synthesizing all of you and all of your life, the dark and the light, and appreciating the beauty of the whole thing. It’s security in the knowledge that Hashem is carrying you, with your flaws and with your pain. It’s loving the little things because each one is a kiss from Hashem. It’s practicing the habit of gratitude, even when it goes against the grain, because over time we become what we do. It’s knowing, loving, and laughing at yourself, and allowing yourself to be a work in progress. It’s doing the things you enjoy, faithfully and consistently. It’s staying in your own lane and relinquishing control. It’s knowing that ultimately, it is only ever you and Hashem.
Happiness is all of these things, and it belongs to anyone who claims it.
If you have anything to share on the topic of simcha, or Adar, or the simcha of Adar, please share! I would really love the inspiration!
Brilliant.
So nicely worded.
Someone once asked me to share what I learned about being single, and I said I learned how to do everything myself, and that’s a good thing. She really didn’t like my answer, as a single herself with a very different personality than mine. I hear her, but I still think it’s amazing and rewarding and wonderful to be able to give oneself joy and pleasure and wonderful experiences and tools and useful skills and hobbies and love.
At the end of the day, wherever life takes you, those are yours to keep.
(And yes, it will take a great deal of pressure off of those who love you, even husbands.)