Part I was so much fun, I couldn’t resist picking up with more. Though the AMA trend on imamother.com has simmered down, I’m sure there are those out there who are just so eager to hear the inside scoop on the life of an older single. So without further ado…
Do you and your single friends try to set each other up? Like have you ever set up someone you went out with with a friend or have your friends tried to set you up with people they went out with?
I’ve passed along ideas that came my way that I thought were better suited to a friend (and a couple of dates even came of that!), but I’ve never set someone up with a guy I actually went out with myself. I think once I meet someone it gets harder to think of ideas, but I’d love for that to happen and to really be able to help two people.
I’ve had friends set me up with guys they dated and their ideas were always pretty off so I don’t take those kinds of ideas too seriously…(or most ideas! That’s just what happens with a lot of experience/disappointment). But again, who knows, maybe that is how my shidduch will come about after all.
In general, I don’t find networking with other singles to be so helpful. Maybe that’s surprising to you, but that’s my experience.
Do you actively pursue ideas or do you wait to be contacted by a shadchan with a “yes”?
Until pretty recently, maybe this year or so, I used to pursue ideas all the time: hear a name or get a resume, find someone to redt it, try to get someone else to follow up…In my experience, it hasn’t been helpful. I can’t say I never do that anymore but I do that much much less than before. I think this is much healthier for me and it feels like the right balance of hishtadlus and bitachon for me.
Do you appreciate when people say “iy”H by you”?
I appreciate that it’s said with sincerity and the best of intentions, but I’d rather you skip it. The reason this is sensitive is not that people don’t appreciate brachos, it’s that “iy”H by you” is by definition highlighting you as a person in the room who did NOT have a simcha. It can feel othering and embarrassing. Attending a simcha is often emotionally fraught as it is; let’s keep simchas welcoming by just telling people that it’s nice to see them. You can say “iy”H by you” in your heart. Of course different people have different feelings about this but since you’re asking me, I would definitely suggest erring on the side of not saying it. You can always text someone later and send your wishes for them that way.
How do you feel meeting classmates or younger people you were in school with who are married?
It really depends who. Sometimes it’s mad awkward and I run the other direction. Sometimes it’s really nice. Many factors there, usually relating to my teenage years (I should work that out, lol). If you are the married person in this scenario, just be normal and friendly… (most people are).
How many guys have you gone out with?
None of your beeswax 🙂
Do you think getting married at your age will be a harder adjustment than it would have been at a younger age?
I think my age is an advantage here. I have a lot of life experience and tools in my toolbox, far more than I did when I started dating. I’m actually really excited for this adjustment, I feel really ripe to take it on. When I was younger I worried much more about how I would adjust and manage with the demands of a marriage. Relatedly, I think the whole “it’s better to get married young and dumb” romanticizes many people’s reality. Good thing we don’t get to choose our challenges!
Do you get chizuk from shidduch initiatives in our community? Are they practically helpful?
I appreciate the good intentions but often these programs market themselves by catastrophizing singlehood and othering older singles, particularly women. This frankly makes it harder for me to show my face in public, knowing how I am being portrayed and what people must see when they look at me. I’d suggest that any shidduch initiative have at least a few older singles they are consulting with on how to structure their program to be helpful and how to present themselves with sensitivity.
In terms of practical help, not really. I’ve met numerous shadchanim through various programs and been set up a very small number of times in total. On balance I don’t think it was worth the emotional and practical investment. (The same could be said for meeting shadchanim in general, for what that’s worth).
How should someone tell you they are getting engaged or are pregnant?
It depends on the relationship, but text or phone call is better than in person. Give the other person a lot of space to respond and don’t overload them with your excitement if they’re not asking questions. (Duh). As much as it is your simcha, you kind of should prioritize the other person in that interaction if you know it might be painful for them to hear your news.
But really, why are you single?
Because Hashem wants to squeeze every drop of potential that I have to grow as a single person out of me, for my higher good and for the good of the world.
Any further questions?
