This post is inspired by the AMA (ask me anything) trend on imamother.com (a website I enjoy perusing for mild entertainment value, yummy-sounding menus, and reasons to be grateful for the problems I do have, oy). In the spirit of an actual AMA, I posed a number of…candid questions to myself that the clueless-but-curious might want answered about the life of an older single. I hope this is enlightening to some – maybe not to my usual readership (lol) but feel free to pass along.
Disclaimer: These answers are based on my own feelings and experiences, and everyone going through an outwardly-similar challenge is still an individual. I don’t claim to speak for anyone else!
Why are you single?
Nisayon, journey of the soul, Hashem runs the world, etc. A therapist once told me that she could tell I was trying to excavate the reason I’m single and there is no reason she could discern (this was after months of working together). I’m still working through this, but most of the time I’m able to believe that it’s not my fault and I just don’t know why.
Are you happy?
Yes, I am happy and grateful for my life, my friends, family, health, job, money, getting to experience being alive…I frankly love so many things about being alive. B”H.
When you were younger, did you ever think or worry that you would be an older single?
No, I didn’t give it a thought. I assumed I would be married by 20-21 because “normal.”
Do you like anything about being single?
Sure, I love that my money and my time are my own to use as I please. I love that I’ve had the opportunity to develop myself professionally in an interesting field and that I’ve been in therapy and done lots of deep self-care and had enriching experiences over the years. P.S. I hope to continue to do these things when I’m married, but I’m grateful to have established these foundations and gone through a lot of trial and error while doing so, as a single person.
Do you live with your parents? If you do, is it hard?
I currently live with my parents. I lived with roommates for two years during COVID and it was a very positive experience. I’ve moved back to my parents’ house, but at this point I would like my own apartment. It’s not a great market where I live so at the moment I’m basically stalking one building for a vacancy. Living with my parents obviously has benefits and my parents do try to make me feel comfortable at home, but it is an unnatural living situation — I need to spread my wings — and that is a constant stress in the background (sometimes foreground).
Are you ever bored like over Y”T or on Sunday because you don’t have your own family?
I’m very busy working during the week (40+ hours) and doing other projects (like working on another degree), so I really appreciate and enjoy every minute of downtime. Sometimes I do feel an emptiness, like I need something else in my life despite the busy-ness, but that’s different than boredom.
Do you have enough money saved up to buy a house?
Maybe a really fancy dollhouse.
Is it hard for you when younger people get engaged?
How I feel about it really depends on who they are and how I know them. When I was much younger it felt jarring and like I was losing my lead in the race, so to speak, but it’s happened so many zillions of times it’s mostly lost that shock quality. Sometimes it’s almost funny or entertaining when I hear about an engagement of a super-young person.
I will say that I have stopped going to my younger cousins’ (10+ years younger than me) simchas. The ones who were little when I was already dating. It just doesn’t make sense to my brain that this is happening and I can’t really process, so I take care of myself by keeping a distance. Nothing to do with jealousy, not farginning, etc. I wish everyone well and I am happy for my aunts and uncles who are marrying off children.
It was very painful for me when my younger sister got engaged. It could have been easier if I had more support at the time. I have another younger sister (closer in age to me), I think it would be a different story today if she got engaged before me.
Does it bother you when people talk about their husbands or children to/around you?
I (generally) know if you’re married/have kids and I don’t want you to be obviously avoiding mentioning that. The distinction for me is that it’s perfectly fine to acknowledge that you have them, I just don’t want to talk about all the stuff you do with them, in detail. Honestly, most people are normal about this and get that I don’t need to hear about it. With close friends, since we’re both a big part of each other’s life, it’s different, too. But in group settings like around a table at a wedding where people start going on about topics that I and the other single ladies can’t participate in, that really doesn’t feel good. (I was once at a wedding and two girls were talking about their doulas over my head, I just thought that was unnecessary…) It’s nice to make sure the conversation is inclusive – like talk about work, Y”T, that rain we had…
Do you talk to your married friends about dating?
Depends on the friend! Some yes, some no. I learned a great way to think about different categories of friends from the psychologist Kenneth Doka; some are listeners, some are doers, some are respite friends (the ones who don’t really know the inside scoop of what you’re dealing with and their friendship offers a break for you from dealing with your problem).
What’s the hardest part of being single?
Saying no is emotionally difficult for me for many reasons, and pushback exacerbates that tremendously. Also feeling like when I go out in public people are wondering what my issue is because all older singles have issues [sarcasm]. I would say that having to process a lot of emotional pain while feeling marginalized and blamed, is definitely a trauma I did not comprehend when I was younger. (I probably also blamed older singles when I was younger).
Do you ever worry you won’t get married chas v’shalom?
Rarely. There are days when I feel despair and I can’t begin to imagine a way out of this, but those moments pass and I feel better and more hopeful on the other side.
What are the worst comments people have made to you?
Hmm, meeting a teacher after many years and the first thing they said to me being “What’s not working with shidduchim? There has to be something” is probably up there. And of course I’ve been lectured to countless times by people who barely know me about what I should be looking for. Ooh, also when I was 27, someone audibly said “oy!” when I told them my age (and they had asked me! Rude!). And the infamous shadchan who asked me in the first minute of talking to me if I “really try.” Ok I’ll stop.
Do you appreciate shidduch suggestions? How should people go about this?
Talking about shidduchim is like poking at an infection — it just hurts, that’s not your fault — but you can still make a suggestion and I do appreciate it on some level even if it hurts. Obviously context matters. The right way to do it in my opinion is to bring it up in some place private, or by phone/text/email (actually my preference is not to have to talk), present it matter-of-factly, and don’t be pushy. At this point I’ve become very sensitive/allergic to pressure tactics and rhapsodies and they will not help your case. I find dramatics about how amazing I am and amazing the guy is to be unconvincing, and I also find that people really embellish how much they know about the person and why they think it’s a good idea. So be straightforward and open and let me say yes or no or not right now or I will get back to you. The chesed is to help me feel hopeful and not forgotten, NOT to get me on a date tomorrow. Also – I personally like to know who you are sending my resume to before I send it to you, and if you just text me, “Please send me your resume,” I will probably ask.
Should I worry about getting your hopes up by telling you I have an idea for you?
No, after 10+ years in shidduchim you can imagine I’ve heard (what feels like) hundreds of names thrown around. I don’t take your idea all that seriously (but I hope you do, if it’s a good one 😉 ).
Do you have a list of criteria, or how else do you decide if you should go out with someone?
First of all, this is mostly theoretical because I don’t get a huge number of yeses, but at this point I work off my interest level and intuition. I did the “what’s the harm in one date” for a long time but that took too much of a toll on me. I really struggled with burnout, and dating felt like a nightmare. I can’t work off a checklist; I’m much too much of an intuitive person and with all my other decisions, I usually have a strong sense of what I am interested in, so that’s just how I work and I won’t fight it. You could say I became pickier with time but I don’t really care if that’s the adjective for it because it’s helping my sanity greatly. Although as mentioned above, it’s very difficult for me to say no to people. As they say, ___ if you do and ___ if you don’t (lol, can’t get it past the censor 😉 ).
Do you regret saying no to anyone when you were younger?
Short answer, no. I did have to work through self-blame and some pain about the past but I have the peace and clarity now to know that everything is as it should be.
Are you open to dating someone who…XYZ?
Case-by-case. I reserve the right to be inconsistent 🙂 as well as the right to change my mind. I really can’t say yes or no across the board to anything – height, background, previous marriage, kids, vocation etc etc. No harm in asking me as long as you’ll take no for an answer.
Do you have a dating coach? Do you think older singles should all have dating coaches?
I talk to M’nucha Bialik if I need help when I’m dating, or afterwards when I feel discouraged. I think everyone going through hard stuff needs (deserves) consistent support but not necessarily does someone need dating coaching just because they are an older single…
Is it okay for me to suggest that my friend/sister-in-law/etc freeze her eggs?
It is not okay to bring it up unless you are offering to write a check on the spot to pay for an entire cycle. In general I think egg freezing is oversimplified and romanticized by people who haven’t done it. It’s a huge deal to go through and very painful to consider for many people. There is a lot of info/awareness within the community of singles. Thanks.
Do you think being an older single affected your frumkeit?
I don’t have what to compare it to but I’m glad I didn’t get married in my post-sem era because I’ve evolved since then hashkafically in ways that feel more balanced and authentic to me. I don’t think much has changed about me on the outside, between then and now.
What is the best way for people to support you?
I really appreciate invitations for Shabbos and Y”T. I also really appreciate people who are normal around me and are able to connect with me over the countless other things to talk about and connect over besides for shidduchim. And I have to give a shoutout to some friends (not even necessarily close friends) who have sent texts over the years, like before R”H, just saying that they’re davening for me or thinking of me. Thoughtful and to the point.
Anyway – I can’t actually do this on imamother because I’m…an older single, but this was fun. Any other questions? 😉
P.S. Submit suggestions here for future posts!
