Paradoxically, what has made it easier for me to navigate conversations about possible shidduch suggestions is to feel more compassion for the people being spoken about. I used to feel very anxious about talking about shidduchim to the point that I did not appreciate shidduch suggestions. I know I’m definitely not alone in this, I’ve had conversations about this with so many people over the years. There are often a few things happening at once — self-doubt about your own judgement, fear of being alone forever (“Why can’t anyone think of the right idea for me?”), people-pleasing and shame, dreading a first date…
I’ve learned about the difference between empathy and compassion in recent years in various workshops. Empathy means feeling with the feelings of the other, whereas compassion is more observational. It’s understanding the pain of being human and wanting to practice kindness to alleviate some of that pain, without getting pulled into the pain. (The term “compassion fatigue” to describe what drains helping professionals could more accurately be renamed “empathy fatigue.” It’s feeling the feelings that drains us).
Compassion helps us recognize the universality of pain, and do what we can to make the world just a little gentler. Even if that means all we can do is wish someone well. To take a moment to say in your heart, this is painful for you. This is painful for me. I am sorry this couldn’t have been easier. I wish you well.
