A long while back, a reader and I exchanged emails about a few topics that hadn’t been covered here. She requested a post on this topic and now…here it is, y’all. (Better late than never?)
Basically, the question is: How do I keep dating from taking over my life? I find that when I’m in the midst of a parsha, I have a hard time fully concentrating on anything else — work, school, social life, etc. I find it so frustrating.
I could really relate to this question. I definitely think that some level of preoccupation during a parsha (and by parsha, I mean however long you are dating someone, for clarity’s sake), is to be expected. It means you take this process seriously and understand the implications!
That being said, it might also be a good idea to read this post on mindful dating, which discusses the cognitive piece of dating anxiety — the voices in your head that (might be deep in your subconscious but) tell you that you don’t know what you’re doing, nothing good will work out, you shouldn’t get too close, etc. See if any of the points resonate with you and whether you can address them.
Another idea is to build the brain connections for staying in the moment when you’re not dating anyone. I used to do this “meditation” practice that was really helpful: For five minutes, close your eyes and imagine yourself in a peaceful, happy place (for me, it’s the beach or the backyard of The Breakers). Feel yourself in your chair or wherever you’re sitting. Breathe in deeply, hold for a few seconds, and exhale fully (more on this here). For five minutes, just imagine yourself in the happy place without a care in the world. If you find your head starting to get busy, just gently bring your attention back to the happy place. Then open your eyes 🙂 . (Five minutes feels a lot longer than you’d think). If you do this every day, twice a day if you can, you will help your brain learn how to just be. You’ll still get hijacked from time to time, and especially when you’re nervous about something that’s going on, but you will be able to go back to that calm, peaceful state more and more easily.
A variation on this is to practice a form of “mantra meditation” (these are loose interpretations; I don’t actually have any real meditation training). Choose a mantra or phrase that is inherently calming: Hashem is the Driver and I am along for the ride. What Hashem wants is what will be. Hashem can solve unsolvable problems. Close your eyes for five minutes, breathe, and repeat the words to yourself with each inhale and exhale. This exercise, too, will teach your brain to quiet the commentary and stay grounded and anchored in the moment.
I hope these are helpful! If anyone has suggestions, please feel free to share them below!
