Last year I wrote about how I plan to celebrate Tu B’Av once I’m married. Well, this year I decided to celebrate it single! As mentioned last year, Tu B’Av is mesugal for connection. If Tisha B’Av is a day we can mourn the ambiguous loss of singlehood, why can’t Tu B’Av be a day we celebrate the hope and optimism and potential for connection in our lives? After all, Chazal say that Yom Kippur and Tu B’Av are the most joyous days on the Jewish calendar.
A wonderfully optimistic idea I learned from several sources is to live your life as if what you want has already happened. Obviously one significant piece will be temporarily missing, and it might not be practical to live like this in every area, but it’s usually possible to live “as if” in at least several areas.
In your Soulmate Journal, ask yourself, How would I personally be living differently if I was married? Is there anything I believe I am only worthy of doing if I am married? In what ways am I holding myself back from living fully now? Additionally, think about how you want your environment and your other relationships to be when you are married. Ask, How can I create the world I want to be living in with my spouse? What do I need or want to put in order before I get married?
Example of what this might look like (real life): Aliza is considering moving into her own apartment, which would be an extremely positive step for her in many ways, but is conflicted because she doesn’t want to deal with the cooking and cleaning. She shared that she sees singlehood as the time to enjoy not having responsibilities and wants to enjoy that as long as possible, because once you’re married, “it all has to get done.” I turned over this conundrum in my head: Aliza wants to get married but doesn’t want to take a step that could very possibly help her get married, because it will give her responsibilities she’ll have when she’s married…does a part of Aliza want her to not get married? (Notice I did not write “Does ALIZA not want to get married?” because we’re dealing with a part here, not the whole person. Also, I would never blame someone for being single. This work, of noticing where we might be limiting ourselves, applies in all aspects of life and is part of the avodah of engaging with a nisayon). My advice would be to acknowledge that part of herself and the fear it has of being overwhelmed or taken advantage of (or anything else that might be motivating it to push off making positive changes that could lead to marriage). Once she does that, she can reassure it that she understands what it needs, and then take the brave step of moving while at the same time figuring out how she will deal with the cooking and cleaning so it’s not overwhelming. That way she’ll truly be boldly moving herself forward into the life she actually wants, both in the present and in marriage.
My personal celebration of Tu B’Av is happening in the kitchen. I’m going to practice making some of the things I intend to serve at our romantic Tu B’Av dinner…next year 😉 . Amen.
Happy Tu B’Av!
P.S. Stay tuned for a future post with more about parts work.
