Feelings

This is a quote from a piece by Dr. Miriam Adahan that I have taped to my wall:

 

“Don’t be ashamed of your feelings. Feelings are not wrong. They are like the weather; you can’t force them away. Acknowledge them and take action if they tell you that a change is necessary.”

 

This was really helpful for me to learn, and it’s made a huge difference in my life.

 

The topic of feelings has recently come up in conversation with some of my people, and I’ve had lots of thoughts about it, so I decided to get it all down in a post.

 

We don’t choose our feelings. We choose our responses. Feelings are like internal weather (see above). If you are human, you will experience the spectrum of emotions throughout your life. And Hashem made us each the way we are. Some of us feel things more strongly than others. That’s also part of the plan. Maybe you will have to learn different helpful strategies than other people, to help you make the kinds of choices you want to make. That is not a reflection of your strength or goodness or worthiness.

 

You are allowed to feel. No one has to validate you or tell you that your feelings are appropriate or make sense. (It’s even possible to be in a situation where everyone seems happy but you. And that’s also okay.)

 

Having difficult feelings does not mean you are significantly lacking in your avodas Hashem.  So many of us struggle with the belief that if we are afraid or down or overwhelmed, we are also failing in some way. That we’re weak or we don’t have proper emunah. I recently learned the Nesivos Shalom on emunah and he stressed the idea that “Yehudi tzarich l’ha’amin shehu ma’amin” – A Jew has to believe that he is a believer. That even when he doesn’t feel like a ma’amin, inside of him is a spark that always knows Hashem is there. And if he can’t feel the spark, that too is from Hashem, who is making it difficult for him to connect to emunah. Part of emunah is believing Hashem is with you when you’re down — because everyone gets down.

 

Trying to force away difficult feelings only makes things harder. (“I shouldn’t be sad about this…I should see the good…I have no right to be jealous…”). It is scary to feel like you are trying to tame a beast that is a lot stronger than you. In Brainstorm, Dr. Daniel Siegel says that a feeling left undisturbed can live out its lifespan in about 90 seconds. Just be, and let the tide roll out in its good time.

 

Name it to tame it. Another bit of advice from Dr. Siegel: Naming an emotion helps you move from feeling defined by your emotion to seeing it as something apart from you, a temporary experience that you will get through just fine.

 

You can feel more than one thing at once. Mrs. Miriam Millhauser Castle says that instead of using “but” to talk about our feelings (ex. “I’m happy for her but I’m jealous”), we can use the word “and.” Don’t negate one feeling because you also have another. We’re able to expand and hold onto a lot at the same time. All of it is real.

 

We choose how to respond. That doesn’t mean you always have to have the perfect response. It could mean saying, “I don’t know how to cope with this on my own so I am going to ask for help” or even getting more sleep/exercise/water/protein or taking a break.