I listened to a really interesting podcast episode about the history of the laugh track. Did you know that hearing a laugh track actually makes jokes seem funnier? That’s because of emotional contagion, the phenomenon where one person’s emotions trigger the same emotions in someone else. That’s also why the headlines we read each day and the images we look at (cough, cough) affect our mood, possibly more than we realize. It goes without saying that the emotions of the actual live people around us significantly influence our own.
And, boy, are there lots of emotional people when it comes to shidduchim. I mean anxious, pushy, pitying, avoidant, shaming, panicking people. Who all mean very well, of course, in their own ways based on their own experiences or lack thereof. However, you’d be forgiven for wanting the Other People of Shidduchim to disappear.
What to do? Well, emotional contagion can also work in your favor if you mindfully choose to spend time with people who are positive about you and believe in you and your ability to get married. Depending on your circumstances, this might be easier said than done but people like this really are out there. People who can cut through all the noise and superficiality of the shidduch parsha and just simply be on your side, who can hold onto hope for you when you’re down, who see you as more than a shaitel-less shaitel head.
On the flip side, once you are aware of the effect other people’s emotions have on you, you can choose to limit your time as much as possible with the people who aren’t helpful. I do not consider it avoidance to socially distance yourself from people with shidduch anxiety. You might not be able to keep everyone as far as you want them, but you can definitely be mindful about who you choose to take seriously. Not everyone over a certain age, or everyone who is married or who married off children or who made shidduchim or who taught in high school or seminary is an authority on how you should handle shidduchim.
You can even have an inner monologue that you repeat to yourself in awkward situations when someone interacts with you in a way that makes you want to groan/run away: “Wow!! [the passive-aggressive exclamation points are an optional part of the monologue]. You mean so well and you so don’t get it!! Thank you for meaning well, my fellow flawed human traveler!! I will proceed to disregard everything you said!!” This is a rather flexible monologue that can work for everything from, “Oyyy, it’s soo nice of you to come out to your neighbor who’s-six-years-younger-than-you’s vort” to “I don’t understand how you could say no to such a top, top boy.” (Forgive me for getting carried away). The Other People of Shidduchim are not going away but with an awareness of the power of emotional contagion, you can be mindful of the energy you let into your space.
