I read this article by Dr. Shira Kessler with interest, on emerging adulthood and frum women. I was struck by the sense of pressure felt by emerging adult women in the frum community — to choose a career path, to look put-together all the time, and of course, to get married ASAP. None of this is exactly surprising to any of us, but somehow reading about this pressure — and the importance placed on external markers of adulthood to sort of legitimize your identity as an adult — helped me see it through new eyes.
It simply isn’t possible to have so much figured out so quickly. We don’t know ourselves well in our early twenties. At that age we are still sorting through the identities, roles, and expectations imposed upon us by our families, teachers, and communities. It takes experience — trial and error — to deepen our self-knowledge and have the confidence to live in accordance with it, whether in terms of what we want to do for work, our style and appearance, the community we choose for ourselves, or an overall philosophy of life. Acquiring experience takes time.
Recently, I spoke with some friends and we realized that many of us are not working in the fields we chose straight out of seminary — with many an abandoned master’s degree to tell the tale. As frum women, we simply aren’t being given, or giving ourselves, the time it takes to organically unfold into adulthood, to meander and to learn. I don’t know the solution, but I do want to say that if you feel like you are the only one still figuring things out, you’re not, and you’re normal.
Love the caption! Captures it perfectly.
Good to hear that this is normal. Feels nice to hear.