I’m currently taking a course on writing as a mindfulness practice through the Therapeutic Writing Institute. One of the exercises we did was to consider in what ways we define ourselves or defend our “personal territory,” and explore a more fluid and open way of viewing what we consider to be “us.” I thought this was an interesting exercise both from a general life standpoint and also a shidduchim standpoint since labels, and defining and defending them, often take on such emotional charge in the process.
Years ago I wrote about figuring out how to define and articulate my hashkafos and how much to share about the messy struggle and complexities of being a person living life not always in consonance with my core values. Even as I write this, though, I understand that that’s exactly it. That’s the conversation to have. That life doesn’t fit so neatly under specific category labels, and there are nuances and gradations in the way we live our lives. My roommate said recently that she has realized every person prioritizes certain religious issues and is more relaxed about others. It’s more complex than a specific hashkafic label, and as mature adults, we can have respectful conversations about this and understand how this can be true.
Here’s something else I’m thinking about: I’m thinking that at the end of the day, I will probably marry someone primarily because I like them. If we can be respectful of each other and integrate what is important to each of us religiously (i.e. we aren’t actually incompatible from a values standpoint) into the home we create, then the great effort to define and defend my hashkafic self-definition will not actually have been so important. Just my thoughts.
