Dating Depression

I’m having a moment here, and I’m reflecting…

 

If I could do it over, I would erase every workshop I took on shidduchim. I would erase every speech I trustingly absorbed. I would erase every formula. Every manual. Every checklist I was given. I would wipe the slate clean and just be me, a bright-eyed romantic looking for a life partner.

 

I would date as if I was allowed to like or not like anything. The way I like lemon meringue pie and Expressionism and taking the train and I don’t like hiking and cantaloupe and loud music.

 

I would know that a basically nice, well-meaning person such as myself can expect to match with a nice, well-meaning person without going through personality reconstruction.

 

I would fumble along and I would be able to laugh, to trust, and to like myself. I wouldn’t be struggling through layers of helplessness and shame and self-blame and confusion. I would know this can take time and to fill up on nurturing and support in the meanwhile.

 

I would erase every vestige of the scarcity dogma, never let it take hold in my mind. It’s suffocating and crazy-making and it isn’t helping me get married.

 

I would probably still feel lonely and afraid today, but my mind would be my own.