Two weeks ago I wrote about the ambiguous loss of singlehood, a concept I just learned about in my research for a school paper. The concept resonated strongly with me and based on the feedback I’ve received, with you, too.
If you have the time or inclination, I’d highly recommend reading the full text of the journal article (citation provided below). I found it very validating and helpful to be given the language to describe what I am experiencing as a single person. I kept thinking yes, that’s right when I read the background material on the subject, the conceptualization of the issue as an ambiguous loss, and the recommended treatment approaches (some of which I’ve figured out or experienced over the years).
I’m summarizing some of the treatment approaches written about in this post so you can use them to help yourself if (when) you are struggling with these painful feelings.
–Dialectical thinking. Holding two contradictory viewpoints at the same time strengthens your ability to withstand distress. Dialectical thinking acknowledges the paradoxical nature of the situation. For example: I really enjoy my freedom. I so badly want to share my life with someone else. Or I feel happy and optimistic. My parents are desperate and fearful. Or I’m doing my best. I can improve some things in how I navigate this situation.
-Normalizing ambivalence. Knowing that many, many people experience singlehood as an ambiguous loss and/or feel ambivalent about being single vs. married comes as a relief and decreases feelings of distress.
-Tempering mastery. Modifying our definition of success regarding singlehood might mean that instead of defining success as marriage, we define it as working on continuously growing, or embracing the circumstances with joy and optimism when possible. There are things we can change (including our beliefs and expectations about ourselves and this process) and things we truly cannot (like what ultimately happens).
-Accepting what cannot be changed. This does not mean giving up hope of getting married. It means accepting the pain and the fact that we do not have control over what happens, and making peace with that.
-Changing what can be changed. We can find things that are in our control that can be changed or improved, and put our energy there. This might include changing perceptions and beliefs about what being single means, moving towards the life you think you would have if you were married, nurturing relationships with family and friends, and developing your own rituals.
There was a lot more in the article but I thought these points might be helpful. Let me know what you think!
Jackson, J. B. (2018). The ambiguous loss of singlehood: Conceptualizing and treating singlehood ambiguous loss among never-married adults. Contemporary Family Therapy, 40(2), 210-222.
