One of the most fervent hopes and prayers of many people in shidduchim is to have clarity. I often daven for clarity and have been wished clarity and have been told that the most important thing to have is clarity 😉 .
Lately I’ve been considering what clarity could mean, aside from what I think is the most basic meaning, i.e. “This guy is definitely right/wrong for me”:
It could mean…
-being able to pinpoint specific questions or concerns instead of the nebulous feeling that “I’m not sure…”
-knowing that I don’t know enough to make a decision and should continue dating.
-knowing what is definitely a problem, what may or may not be a problem, and what likely isn’t a problem but is a case of nerves.
-recognizing when I’m working off a paradigm that no longer serves me (i.e. “Men are supposed to be…” “I’m supposed to feel…”).
-understanding my ambivalence about a person or situation — is there unacknowledged grief here? Disappointment? A mental shift that is still in process?
What does clarity mean to you?
Yes! Clarity is such a huge bracha, and noticeably difficult when it’s absent. I daven really, really hard for clarity.
Someone once told me, “If it’s the right one you should know fast, and if it’s the wrong one you should know even faster.” I love that because it is just so true.
I identified with all of your meanings of clarity, and it was really good to see them quantified like that! I had some thoughts about the difficulty of attaining clarity (for me) that spring boarded off your ideas:
One of the best things that I ever did for myself (amidst a long and drawn out shidduch parsha) was connect to a mentor who wasn’t afraid to tell me when it is ok to say no. Until then, for every (non red flag) concern that I brought up, someone had a story of how they knew someone who “got over” such a concern.
Having a mentor notwithstanding, I still sometimes find it truly difficult to know when I have “enough of a reason to say no.” The assumption is, that after the redting, vetting, and research process, I’m not dating ax murderers. So articulating an actual acceptable reason why he won’t work for you can be difficult.
Which brings me to why “not knowing enough” to say no yet gives me such fear. I live OOT. “Just going out again to see” can be really, really difficult. Rearranging school/work/life to go traveling around is not so simple. Being a guest is not simple. And asking the boy travel to you- when you are the one who is not sure- is not so simple as well! But saying no without being completely sure of your decision can torture you for months. Did you do the proper hishtadlus? Argh.
Also, as much as everyone has the prerogative to date as many times as they feel they need to reach clarity, it is important to note that our system does escalate quickly. A 2nd date is not the same as a 4th, which is not the same as a 7th. Going out more times sometimes attaches even more emotional strings to the situation.
I also think that people make it sound like deciding who to date/marry is a purely clinical yes-or-no question. “Well, did you like him? You don’t know? Well then, did you feel comfortable with him? Yes or no? How about personality- did you have a good time? Ah I know, if you would never see him again would you be disappointed? Yes or no!?” Sometimes these questions are just hard to give a black and white answer to, as it is, in fact, very possible to feel more than one emotion at the same time!
I also have a problem that I forget the details and feelings of the actual date very quickly, and so I fill in the gaps with the picture I built based on the research I did. “His friend said he’s a major baal middos, and he did hold the door for me so graciously… but I felt claustrophobic in his car and didn’t really want to spend another minute with him, and didn’t like how he talked about his parents…but still. Maybe I was just hungry? Did I really feel that way?… He is a huge baal middos after all!”
And so, I continue to daven for clarity. Because although it is draining, time consuming, hope dashing, and frustrating to go out once with a guy and KNOW with absolute clarity that he is NOT your bashert, it is infinitely better than going out with a guy 10 times and THEN knowing he’s not your bashert. And the emotional recovery usually takes a tub of ice cream rather than a trip to Florida;)
Wow, I really resonated with your thoughtful and well-articulated comment here!
Definitely is a lot of gray area as far as what is a “good reason” to say no. There was a period of time when I tried to turn this into a formula — “if he’s like this and this and that then I can still try to make it work” — but I discovered that that’s not how it goes. I no longer try to articulate reasons for yeses or nos, for the most part. I work off intuition and how I feel when I’m around him — do I feel an interest in getting to know him better? — and am willing to err on the side of an extra date, but find I don’t usually need one.
I have a lot to say on some of the other points you raised and plan to address them in future posts, but for now, a lightening round:
1) I empathize with your OOT dating complications — some of my friends had to deal with that, and it should be a kapparah, what can I say. In the event that you can’t be on the East Coast and don’t want to schlep a guy out to you, how about a phone call or Zoom date? For when you don’t think it’s gonna happen but want to know you gave it your all?
2) I wrote a post on not counting dates. If there is one thing I could change about current dating culture, it would be to put a STOP to the practice of ascribing meaning to specific numbered dates. It is not helpful and I have seen it cause people to quit dating someone because they weren’t “ready” for a third date, a fifth date, etc.
3) It’s so normal to be fuzzy on the details of the actual dates after the fact. Another reason not to count dates but to keep going out until you feel like you have enough of a handle on the situation without having to creatively fill in the blanks. Also, after the fact you will know what you really experienced versus what you heard about the guy.
Thank you!
Yes I agree- it is silly to attach meaning to particular dates. A friend once told me she wasn’t sure if she should go on a 6th date because she wasn’t ready to get engaged. I told her that that’s ridiculous, as I’ve been on plenty of 6th dates and have never once gotten engaged. (Although there might be something to it…she went on that 6th date and got engaged;)
What I meant is that each date adds another level of emotional investment. A 1st-2nd date is usually 3 hours max (4 hours if he’s a bad driver), and he’s out a coke if it doesn’t work out. By the 3rd date he had to plan and work out the logistics of mini golf (or some other equitable activity) and some light refreshments. By the 4th date you’ve spent a good few hours playing perfect matches and possibly went to dinner together. Add in the OOT factor, and you are each taking off work/school/yeshiva, buying flights, renting cars, finding somewhere to stay to date each other….
I do believe that this is the way it should be- our dates would not progress if they were all in hotel lobbies with watered down cokes, dressed in our finest. And sometimes, this really brings to light that you absolutely do not want to spend another minute having fun and/or having deep conversations with this guy! But when it does not come to light, and you don’t have that clarity, it is difficult that as you progress you naturally have that much more invested.
I agree with you wholeheartedly though- everyone should take the amount of time that they need to really be calm and confident in their decisions.