A reader asked for a post on the topic of developing an independent life while you are living at home (with your parents). This is a great question.
My first thought is that independence is largely a state of mind. The stage from about ages 18-29 is known as emerging adulthood in psychology. It’s when we learn about ourselves and what we want out of our lives, when we try new things and develop a sense of our identity. It’s natural to fall into old roles and patterns when you live with your family. Having an independent mindset helps you feel more free to explore your likes and dislikes, dreams and ambitions, and experiment with new jobs, hobbies, and friendships. It allows you to question old, rigid beliefs about yourself and your limitations.
At this stage it’s also important to do “adulting” even if you are afraid, because the more you do, the less afraid you will be. You can do quite a bit independently even without moving out. These are some things that are really yours to take care of how you would like (some are obvious but still worth reviewing):
- Finances, including having your own bank account, retirement fund, and taking out your own student loans.
- Medical and dental appointments
- Breakfast and lunch (and supper, every household is different)
- Social life
- Hobbies
- Rituals, routines, and habits
- Self-care
- Even shidduchim — by the time I had moved out of my parents’ house, I had become the primary contact person for shadchanim I met and I had gone out with a few guys that I had been set up with without my parents’ involvement
It is helpful to remember the importance of privacy and boundaries. If you need support in navigating challenging family dynamics while you live at home, it can be helpful to work with a therapist. Connecting with other families and going places for Shabbos and Yom Tov meals is a nice change, too. Having a journal where you can express yourself freely is also a good resource.
My last suggestion is to remember that you are making a choice at this time to live with your parents (and it might be the best choice right now) but that you are not trapped there. Consider what other living arrangements might theoretically be possible for you. Put money aside to help with the move if you decide to move out. Help yourself have options and not feel like you are helpless to make a change. You can do it if you choose!
I hope this is helpful!
