We’re pretty big on giving advice around here ;-). But it’s been a number of years since I came home from seminary, and I’ve thought about the things that would have been helpful to hear at age 19. It’s quite possible that I actually did hear them but just didn’t internalize them at the time. I do remember that that first year was very challenging, with lots going on, and so here are the lessons I culled from that time in my life. With the greatest respect for you, the new sem grad:
Remember the law of transitions. Something I learned from Rabbi Aryeh Nivin: During a period of transition, you will under-perform. As you transition back from total freedom to rejoining a household, from Eretz Yisroel to chutz l’Aretz (if relevant), from adolescence to adulthood, you are undergoing multiple transitions. There will be hiccups and you won’t necessarily perform up to your own standard in all areas. Don’t be hard on yourself, and allow the process to unfold at its own pace.
Prioritize physical and emotional health. Many girls come home from seminary super-motivated and wanting to keep going at high speed, both in ruchniyus and gashmiyus (i.e. making money, getting a degree). This is where a lot of trouble tends to crop up for people. Over-scheduling to a point where you don’t have time for sleep or social interaction can and does lead to depression. No one I have ever spoken to is proud of how crammed their schedule was that first year back, and most would say they’d cut out an obligation or two if they had a do-over. Structure is important, but flexibility and room for life are just as crucial.
Not everybody wants to get married right away. It’s normal to go to vorts and weddings and totally not be able to relate. When it’s the right time, you’ll start feeling the desire and will put in efforts to help it happen iy”H. (Parenthetically, if you find that after more than a few years you feel scared of the prospect of marriage or resistant to dating, you may want to explore that with a therapist. It’s a lot more common than you think and does not mean you won’t have a wonderful, happy marriage one day! It just means that something about change or responsibility or intimacy or something else feels threatening to you.)
It’s perfectly normal not to know what you want to be when you grow up. I have to say that the pressure many of you are under now to have your lives figured out is unfair and unrealistic. It’s okay — more than okay — to need time to figure out what’s next. A good starting point might be a book like this. Talk to people in your community. Loads of good career options aren’t popular but are interesting and practical and might be right for you.
Life is not a race. You know this, but it helps to constantly remind yourself of this and ground yourself in this knowledge. There’s no need to live life accelerated. There’s no need to live in the future and run calculations of what you think you should be up to when. Uh, uh. Let go and let G-d. If you can do this, you’ll be very happy, indeed.
You don’t have to be afraid. Perhaps the thought of facing different nisyonos really scares you. What if I don’t get married when I thought I would? What if all my friends get married and leave me on my own? What if I never make money? There’s something you should know, and it’s just head knowledge beforehand, but in every situation you face, Hashem sends you the kochos you need then and the people who can help you then. Believe me when I say that no one goes through challenges for years. People go through challenges for days — day by day, discovering new strength each day, and feeling Hashem’s guiding Hand.
This is just the beginning. You may have reached the end of formal kodesh learning, and for many of you this may be cause for a kind of mourning. But rest assured — and I say this as a student who did love formal kodesh learning — that you are not done learning and growing at all. In fact, adulthood is where the best and most satisfying work starts to happen. As you grow beyond the particular challenges of adolescence, and start coming together into the person you’re meant to be, growth becomes deeper because it works off a deeper self-knowledge and understanding of your strengths and weaknesses. You’ll experience the various areas of your life intertwining and feel how a positive change in one area moves the whole you forward. You’ll have greater insight into what the next step in your avodas Hashem should be. You’ll keep discovering teachers, shiurim, books, and mentors who will continue to help you grow through each situation.
Things take time. The processes of growth and change will last your whole life long. Your job is to just keeping moving in the general direction of forward. Periodically reassess — what is working? What isn’t? Be open to being a work in progress. That’s what we all are. Remember that the journey is the destination.
The only way out is through. Even when it’s hard, life is exhilarating, and beautiful, and a gift. Don’t cling to one image of how things have to be. Here are a couple of great quotes I have on my wall: 1) “When things don’t go as expected, yell ‘Plot twist!’ and keep going.” 2) “If you don’t like where you are, move. You are not a tree.”
You have what it takes. No doubt about that.
Feel free to comment or drop me a line if you have any questions about the things I wrote here.
Hatzlacha rabba!
