I was going to write about the third top struggle you shared in the survey, the fear of not finding the right person, but that post will wait a bit. I want to share another one first, inspired by Cinderella’s glass slipper in Monday’s post.
Many of us grew up with fairytales like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, in one format or another. We may have loved these stories and dreamed of being carried off by our own princes one day. Then we got older and were taught that in the real world, marriage is no fairytale and there are no happily-ever-afters, just a lot of hard work. Then we got even older and hopefully learned to meld the two models: marriage is hard work but the potential for connection it creates is its own kind of magic that makes the work worthwhile.
It’s been years (decades?) since I’ve given any serious attention to the fairytale paradigm, but after many years in shidduchim, I think I’m ready to dust it off. Why? Because for a long time I have been taking it upon myself to put myself out there and find my guy. In essence, I’ve been taking on the prince’s role. Yes, I know hishtadlus is a mitzvah, but I think that energetically, I’ve been pushing myself into the masculine space, aggressively pursuing suggestions and following up with people, etc…I think a lot of us are. And I don’t know if that makes sense because if I want my prince to come, I need to make room for him in the story. True, Cinderella went to the ball, but all she had to do was show up and the prince sought her out — and chased her carriage into the night when the clock struck twelve, and searched the kingdom over until he found her again.
What I am proposing (groan) is a follow-up “fast.” No more aggressive following up on everyone’s suggestions. You know how someone asks for your resume or mentions an idea and then doesn’t get back to you, so you subtly reach out to check in? Or you get two or three other people on the case, trying to pull their weight with the fellow in question? You don’t deserve that. Your prince will come. Allow him the pleasure of hacking through the bramble to find you a la Sleeping Beauty. In the meantime you can keep dancing in the forest with the woodland creatures or whatever else you like to do to meet new friends. Just create a clearing where your prince can come to YOU.
All those people with furrowed brows who will say absolutely not, you need to keep reminding shadchanim about you, you need to be pushy, you need to follow up…My dearies, I am living proof that that’s not where it’s at. And quite frankly, I am tired of living like that. So I think I will adjust my tiara and settle into a deep, deep sleep…..
What say you?
I love this post. So funny and whimsical.
It resonates with advice I’ve seen elsewhere out there to attract the one you want instead of chasing.
On the other hand, if you’re living proof that the “chase” model doesn’t always work, I’m living proof that sitting back doesn’t always work either….
Stay tuned for more posts on what to do instead of either chasing or sitting back!