I started to see a therapist when I started dating. I went on a family member’s suggestion; they had found therapy helpful themselves. The truth is that I knew I wanted more support but didn’t really know why, just that I had a sense that I didn’t know what I didn’t know about relationships/dating/marriage.
I’ve been in therapy at different points over the past 10 years, usually for several months or years at a time. I’ve mostly found therapists by word of mouth, and I’ve mostly been happy with them. (When I wasn’t, I didn’t go back). The kinds of things I’ve found therapy helpful with are understanding family systems and dynamics, boundaries and communication, emotional regulation, having a space to grieve, and processing painful and persistent thought patterns of shame and blame. I’ve found that therapists who are trauma-informed and trained in modalities like IFS and EMDR are most helpful to me. I need to work with people who are very empathic and compassionate, and I need to feel safe falling apart in their presence.
Having someone supportive that I could be totally honest with gave me a lot of relief right away. In a way, I hadn’t even realized how much I was carrying from over the years until I started to speak it out loud. Just lots of entrenched relationship dynamics, and habitual reactions and beliefs about myself. So there was relief in the short term, and bH deeper sustained change over the longer term. I will say that integrating body-based therapy with an OT was a game-changer that made talk therapy far more effective as well. I’ve also had other sources of support and emotional processing that helped, like working with M’nucha Bialik and taking courses with Yocheved Rottenberg.
Typically in a first session with a therapist, I’ve told them about my context – where I am in life, a bit about my job and family, and the most pressing reason I’ve come to them. Sometimes it can take a session or two to click. Over time, throughout the work, typically a lot more stuff arises beyond what I shared during the first session (at least it does for me).
At this moment I think it’s best for me to keep up therapy fairly regularly for self-care. The reason I’ve worked with several therapists and not just one straight through is that life happens — one was too far away to keep going regularly (pre Zoom-everything), one was helpful for a few months but then she said I was good to go (after a few months I wanted to talk to someone again but didn’t go back to her, I felt I needed a gentler personality), one went on a medical leave. I had a one-and-done with a therapist who made me feel judged, and a handful of sessions with another who gave me some practical exercises and then we fizzled out (she also wasn’t really my style). I think that covers everyone. My current therapist is bH a wonderful fit and very helpful.
I’ve mostly paid out of pocket ($110-$175/session) because those were the people I was led to, but I did have a therapist eons ago who took my insurance and she was excellent (don’t believe you can’t have excellent therapy unless you pay privately). Good resources for finding therapists who take insurance are Alma and Headway.
Most of my therapists were frum, one was Conservative (I think). It was definitely important to talk to someone who understood frum culture, but it doesn’t necessarily mean the therapist has to be frum themselves. All of my therapists were women and I’d only work with women.
I don’t remember who I told what to when, but my mother (and probably father), sisters, friends, and some other family members have been aware at different points that I was in therapy. Almost all my close friends, if not all, have been or are in therapy. It’s extraordinarily common. I realized I had a shift when over Yom Tov I quoted my therapist at my aunt’s table (lol!) and didn’t think twice about it.
Therapy is not magic in that it doesn’t do stuff to you to make you a new person. It’s a space to have the safety and support to get in touch with deep feelings, to understand your behavior, to heal wounds and to learn tools for improving your mental health and well-being. The actual changes in yourself happen slowly.
Btw, I’ve never run into any sort of hashkafic conflict between therapy and Yiddishkeit. I’m sure it’s possible if the therapist is a person with problematic beliefs about, say, personal responsibility or choice, but it hasn’t come up for me. I have definitely brought up spiritual stuff in therapy and it’s only been helpful to talk about it.
If you think it would be helpful to talk to someone about your current situation or about past experiences, I say go for it. I’m a happier, stronger, more confident person because of therapy. It’s been a gift in my life. Friends are AMAZING but a therapist has a different role (like you can figure out awkward friend-stuff with a therapist too). Some trial and error is expected, and therapy probably won’t drastically alter your life in the short term, but it can be so helpful.
I’m happy to help if you have questions!
