Waiting is incredibly difficult. It brings up feelings of helplessness and uncertainty. It makes the tick of the clock sound louder. One of the hardest parts of shidduchim is the uncertainty of not knowing how long the wait still is. Where we are in the timeline. And this edge of uncertainty that is always present is a kapparah. I just read a lesson in Living Emunah on Shidduchim that cites an example from the Chasam Sofer: the minor distress you feel when you’re at a shiur and you think the speaker is wrapping up and then they start on a new topic, that is a kapparah. How much more so the days, weeks, and months of hoping/thinking/wishing you might be nearing the end of this process and still having to deal with it for days, weeks, or months more.
It hits me sometimes, this length of time that I’ve been waiting, and I cannot wrap my mind around it. Why is this happening? It must be because Hashem knows it’s best for me to be doing this now. Feeling this. Writing this. Experiencing this long, long, long wait with no inkling of when it will end. Just one step at a time. Faith and trust. Living, learning, letting go. Doing harder things than I knew I could. For years. What an unbelievable wait. What a nisayon.
You are doing it, too. This kind of existence is a kapparah. Many people never have to face this nisayon. It should be a huge zechus for all of us.
