Hi, guys! I hope you’re all doing well.
This is a piece of dating advice I got a while back when I was in a drawn-out dating situation. Also, my best friend (who did get engaged recently), got the same advice and found it really helpful. And here it is:
Don’t count dates. There are no rules, no deadlines, no timetables.
Some people are ready to get engaged in two weeks, and some people need four months. That is no forecast for the future success of the relationship. Take as much time as you need, without shutting things down prematurely because “it isn’t supposed to take this long.”
“If you’re dating Shavuos time, you have until Chanukah to make a decision. Just tell yourself that. But don’t worry, by mid-July you’ll have already made a decision. Things take time to grow, but they don’t drag out indefinitely. It will come to a conclusion on its own, naturally. You don’t have to force a decision before it happens. ” (Thanks to this wise friend for that nugget).
In high school, I was sure I would “just know.” But now I’m not so sure, and surprisingly, that doesn’t disappoint or scare me. Because experience has opened my heart to the beauty of allowing something to unfurl on Hashem’s own time. My theory is that Hashem has a bigger part in those relationships that need time to grow. He keeps things going until the couple finally reaches their resolution. Of course Hashem is a part of every shidduch. But if you’ve been there, where it wasn’t “instant awesome,” you know how it was Hashem Who gave you strength to keep moving bravely ahead, and deepening your feelings for the other person.
A wise mentor or experienced dating coach/therapist can help you figure out what you can do to help the relationship develop more or identify what’s holding you back.
The willingness to invest time in exploring a relationship and not setting a deadline for it is the willingness to be vulnerable to the unknown.
Here’s wishing all of us bravery and clarity at the right time!
