AMA Answers

Hi all, this was such a fun post to write. I so appreciate your questions and hope you enjoy the answers! Let’s get to it:

 

What was your worst shidduch experience?

Oy. My worst shadchan experience was after I said no to a guy after one date. Without going into details (which sound pretty generic honestly), the guy was not for me, though he was a very nice person and I was sorry to be hurting his feelings. The shadchan (family friend, no less…) was just awful to me, cold and critical and dismissive; I’d had bad conversations before but this took the cake and I literally started crying on the phone. I had a nightmare that night about the conversation. I considered calling her before Yom Kippur to talk it out but decided I didn’t need to risk that…

 

My worst date was probably the one with the guy who clearly had zero interest in taking me out, came late, didn’t apologize, talked over me, snobbed me out the whole time…this was about five years ago and if anything like this happened now I would order an Uber and go home. The runner-up is the guy who got very angry at me(?) out of nowhere (TYH for showing me this on the FIRST DATE).

 

What was your best shidduch experience?

My best shidduch experience was (is) the way one of my former classmates communicates with me about shidduch suggestions. She is extremely sensitive and honestly, trauma-informed. A few months ago she reached out and asked if I am comfortable telling her what I am looking for. She then asked if she can forward me resumes from a group she is on, and stated that she doesn’t need a response about any of them and apologizes in advance if any of her emails cause pain in any way. She continues to send me resumes, and explains in each email why she thought of me. By the way, we were never close in high school and had not been in touch in over 10 years.

 

What’s your biggest soapbox?

Consumerism and the culture of luxury and perfection in the frum community. I do not see how this can be the future. It is unsustainable from a financial and emotional standpoint.

 

Which literary character are you most like?

I’m rereading the Harry Potter series and seeing myself in Hermione Granger. When in doubt, go to the library! I also relate to her passion for the causes she believes in.

 

What was the best place you ever visited and why?

I’ve loved every place I visited but recently I’ve been wanting to go back to Venice. It is so special just to stand on the Rialto Bridge and watch the boats go by on the Grand Canal. Venice seemed so magical and far away when I read about it in Betsy and the Great World (the “rosy” Doge’s Palace! the pigeons in St. Mark’s Square! Caffe Florian!) and it’s hard for me to believe that I was actually there.

 

What was the nicest compliment you ever received?

A few clients have told me, “You’re the right person for this job.” That is the best compliment I could hope for.

 

What is your best coping mechanism?

I think I’m going to say blogging! If I really need to let off steam, this is where I can do it!

 

How do you keep going?

Miracles and more miracles. I have given up approximately one million times. Hashem is clearly infusing me with fresh doses of energy and hope. Practically speaking, I try to focus on the present and the things I can control. This used to be very hard, it has gotten easier with time.

 

How do you balance hope for the future and making peace with where Hashem put you right now?

I think it really is one and the same, at the heart of it. The way to do both is to trust Hashem. I am not saying that this is where I excel, but when I am in a good place with both the present and future, that’s what I would call bitachon. Practically, I try to stay focused on short-term goals and enjoy my present life as much as possible; at the same time I have a longer-range vision for what I hope for in my life.

 

What do you wish people knew about you?

A part of me wants to put my name to my writing and share it with more people but…it’s not the kind of writing for that.

 

I feel like we’re always hearing about how young marrieds are fresh, excited, malleable, etc. and I’d love to discuss the benefits of NOT being a young (or very young :)) married. What do you think someone who has waited brings to the table that someone who has not waited likely does not?

Omg, I’m so grateful I did not get married very young! I have so much more self-awareness, patience, and perspective now. I have resources, relationships, and coping tools that I did not have when I was younger. For example: I used to tend to get super-anxious in new settings, now I am less self-conscious and enjoy the expansiveness of having new experiences and meeting new people. I’ve done a lot of IFS work in therapy and learned to have compassion for parts of myself so they don’t take the wheel and drive my behavior. I am overall happier and more optimistic and believe more in my potential as a future spouse.

 

I don’t think it’s true that everyone is better off getting married younger, it is really individual and not necessarily easier on people. I think people who get married older than the average age are potentially bringing so much maturity and perspective to the table that can greatly enhance their abilities as a spouse and parent.

 

What is one thing you wouldn’t trade about the past 10 years?

How much better I have gotten at the whole emotional regulation – communication – self-confidence thing. I’m incredibly grateful for the personal growth I’ve experienced over the past decade and wouldn’t trade it for the world.

 

Do you shop online for clothes? If so, where? Wanna share some tips? 

I’m not too helpful with this tbh. I’m pretty minimalist re clothing. I mostly shop at one or two local stores and just don’t shop a lot in general.

 

Who is your inspiration and why?

I am inspired by a friend who is single and a few years older than me, who is consistently so joyful. I am inspired by J.K. Rowling’s courage. I am incredibly inspired by the clients in the support groups I moderate; each one is such a font of life wisdom. So the answer is, many people!

 

If you could change one thing about the way our society treats women who aren’t married yet, what would you change?

Within the shidduch system I would love to see more sensitivity and care from people redting shidduchim (i.e. no pressure, clearer communication, more autonomy). As far as society as a whole, I would love people to remember that “woman” means “adult female person” and not “wife and mother.”

 

Has your social life/friendships changed since you moved to your own apartment? If you’re not living with your parents and don’t have roommates, do you feel a need to find social opportunities? What are your thoughts on living with roommates vs. on your own in an apartment?

Living alone is definitely quiet. I tend to be pretty happy in my own company, so I enjoy it. I liked living with roommates when I didn’t need as much space, but now I do need it (practically and emotionally). I don’t think my social life has changed much since I moved except maybe I stay in more now because I have more of a cozy haven. I usually go to my parents for Shabbos and see siblings most weeks that way. I do tend to forget to look for social opportunities; that probably isn’t the greatest. The other week, I met two friends when I was out picking up supper, and ended up talking with them for over an hour and it was such a pleasure. I recently reflected in my journal, Am I lonely? To be totally honest, I don’t know my answer to that question.

 

What is your favorite food?

I love a schnitzel wrap, one of the joys of life. My order: whole wheat wrap, lettuce, pickles, fried onions, Caesar dressing or garlic mayo on the inside and extra for dipping. Yum!

 

Do you have analytics tracking the traffic? How many visitors/readers do you get? Where are we (your readers) located? Are we all over the country? Around the globe?

This is embarrassing but I don’t really have a good analytics system. I seem to have two different programs keeping track of visitors and views, which both give me different numbers. The one I tend to look at shows about 1,200-2,000 views per month. I had Google Analytics years ago, and I could see that I had visitors from the U.S., Canada, U.K., and Israel. I wonder who is coming now!

 

If you could live anywhere, where would you live?

I would live in Yerushalayim (not sure which neighborhood). It’s my dream!

 

 

Thanks for reading until the end!