So since I had this conversation with my therapist, not much has changed. I feel less and less connected to the process of shidduchim because as far as I can see, there is nothing further I can do without sacrificing a measure of my mental health. I’m not prepared to do that, so I’m not doing it. I’m left with a feeling of Now What? What to do when the only thing I really want eludes me, and I have no path forward?
Recently I started to imagine that I am on a tropical island somewhere out in the ocean. Waiting for my ship to come in, yes, but because I can’t do anything to get off the island myself, I’ve decided to put my energy toward indulging in the creature comforts available on the island. This is not compensation for my predicament, nor is it an alternative to returning to the mainland, but it is my way of coping.
I like the island metaphor because back when people started talking about the “numbers crisis” of shidduchim, they used this image of “Shidduch Island” with X number of girls trapped on the island (nonsense for a variety of reasons but I digress) – and it feels kind of subversive to say, Shidduch Island is actually paradise, you guys, clear blue seas, a pina colada in my hand, napping in a hammock…
What are these comforts? The things that bring me joy in any way. Visiting the Beatrix Potter exhibit in middle of the workday. Rereading Harry Potter. Milkshakes. Music. Writing. Margin. Not trying.
Yes, these are mostly things I have been doing all along, but their position has changed in my mind. Now they are the main event. Does that sound like giving up? To me it’s letting go.
All this to say, when nothing makes any sense, maybe it’s time to double down on island living and live radically in the moment.
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