Plot Twist, Revisited

Five and a half years ago, my baby sister was getting engaged to her husband. This was one of the hardest periods of my life. I had supportive friends who were (and are) amazing, but no one could pull me out of the whirlpool of difficult emotions that I was caught in. I felt jealous, alone, angry, and really scared.

 

It was a weird and tricky dynamic. I know that no one in my family wanted to hurt me but I resented how the process was handled. I felt that I was kept in the dark about her dating progress, yet I also didn’t want to know about it. I felt she should have approached me to discuss it, but I also could barely look at her.

 

I think for many of us, having a younger sibling (particularly sister) get engaged before us is such a deep fear because it feels like the ultimate failure in shidduchim. It “proves” that we simply couldn’t do what they could, that we must be inferior in some way, and that now they get to move on to the mystery of life beyond shidduchim and leave silly little us behind. Sometimes in a family there is a zero-sum mindset amongst siblings (if you sneak another cookie, that’s one less for the rest of us) that could play into this too.

 

My feelings throughout my sister’s engagement felt very bumpy and unpredictable. Sometimes I felt an explosion of pain inside of me and just wanted to evaporate. Sometimes it was fun to be part of making a simcha. Sometimes I never wanted to see my sister again. Sometimes I forgave her.

 

My friends were amazing. They came to my sister’s l’chaim, vort, and wedding. They spoke to me for hours throughout the whole process. I can never thank them enough. I did not have a therapist at the time but wish I had.

 

Some people were just plain stupid. Classmates who hadn’t been in touch in years texted me the night of her l’chaim, “Mazel tov!!!” Girl. I do not want to hear from you now about this. I ignored them. (Occasionally I told people off. Not that night but over that period). Sensitive, smart people texted more along the lines of, “Mazel tov to you and your family. How are you doing?” People who had been there before were especially so, so helpful just because they understood.

 

In the scope of problems in life obviously this is not up there. But even in the “outside world,” younger siblings marrying ahead of older siblings is very challenging. How much more so in our world where marriage is the #1 goal and aspiration of every adult and the ticket to communal recognition and participation and general veneer of normalcy.

 

When I think about that time in my life, I remember how painful it was, and it hurts my heart. I do not know exactly how it got easier but slowly it did. Eventually I had an honest conversation (via text) with my sister about my feelings, and she apologized for any lack of sensitivity. That conversation cleared the air; I really needed to hear that from her at the time. And it’s hard for me to believe but I am truly okay with her being married today. I would have never, ever believed it five and a half years ago.

 

I have a comfortable, normal relationship with her and her husband. She has two children who I love with my whole heart. They are my treasures, I can’t get enough of them. My sister and her family come to my parents for Shabbos fairly often and I try to move in those weeks.

 

For anyone having this experience, I’m going to share what I recently shared with a client who felt guilty about not showing up enough for a family member: Life is messier than we want it to be. We want to be classy, poised, forgiving, available, helpful, gracious, composed, generous, patient, and bighearted — AND we are human. We feel pain, we have needs, we are not always able to do what we would choose to do given the power to shut off our feelings. We fall apart, we need space and time. Even where there is no villain or victim, sometimes we need to feel angry.

 

This is a most unique and painful nisayon. It does get easier. Until then, I hope you know that all the feelings are normal and okay. I hope you reach out for support. I am here.