I wrote this post four years ago about how uncomfortable it is to have to answer the question, “What are you looking for?” In the post, I wrote that it is hard to come up with a description that is authentic and specific and not subject to misinterpretation, and then to have to give it over all the time. It is still uncomfortable for me. However, in the intervening years, I’ve gotten progressively better at expressing what I am looking for authentically and specifically. The thing that really helped me was to stop caring how other people take it. In the past, I was concerned about coming off as too particular (gasp — nooo — pickyyyyy). But as so much has shown me over the years, it doesn’t actually help me to sacrifice myself on the altar of Shidduchim. Since what I am looking for directly flows from how I know myself and what I need, it just feels very honest and true to me. So if people roll their eyes, so be it. In this way, it has gotten a little easier to answer this question.
Good. I’m happy for you.
You might know this, but it’s worth posting.
I no longer answer the question, and it saves hours of my time!
When they ask, I ask them their email address, and send a list I wrote up divided into 3 clear categories: non-negotiables, very attractive add-ons (brownie points), and 3 clear no-nos. People find it so clear and helpful, BH. And I get to save my breath for other things. 🙂
That’s a fantastic idea! I may steal it. Recently I’ve also taken to answering the question with a question of my own: Do you have someone in mind? It’s so much easier to confirm whether I’ve already dated someone, or answer questions about a specific profile, than answer the question in the abstract.