A Man Is Not a Marionette

I’ve never been married, so take this or leave it, but I think you should take it 😉 . I’m writing about a trend I’ve seen in shalom bayis education that really bothers me.

 

I’ve often seen articles written for women about marriage with messages to the effect of “Women are controlling. They like to tell men what to do. This makes men withdraw. Don’t you want your husband to love you? Stop controlling your husband.” Or perhaps in a different tone: “Women want to be loved and cherished. That’s all they want, so badly. How do you make your husband do that? Treat him like a king” etc.

 

I honestly don’t know how married women tolerate being told that they’re needy, desperate, critical, and controlling by default. Also that they can’t expect a mature, reciprocal relationship where they can engage and communicate authentically. So patronizing, infantilizing, condescending, and reductive. So disrespectful of both men and women. (In case I’m unclear, I don’t like this).

 

For starters, the expectation that all marital problems are caused by and can be solved by the wife’s behavior is deeply misogynistic and problematic. It assumes the success of a marriage can basically be manualized, in a manual that only a wife has to read. There are so many assumptions and oversimplifications baked in here: 1) all women are the same 2) which is controlling 3) and desperate for love 4) and all men aren’t 5) and the reason women don’t have good marriages is because they are controlling 6) so if you would only stop being controlling you would have a good marriage and get your husband’s love.

 

But more than that. The Torah’s word for intimate connection is “to know.” Every individual wants to be seen and known, cherished and wanted for who they are. Every person wants to be taken seriously and respected. Of course men and women, broadly speaking, have differences. Of course Torah sources discuss the obligations that men and women have towards each other in marriage. But beyond halacha, developing a happy and healthy reciprocal relationship calls on us to exercise humility and curiosity about the world of the other, to work on our own patience and kindness, to strive to be attuned and sensitive to the other’s needs and desires. It involves communication, courage, and maturity. It sets aside gender stereotypes and “what men and women want” in favor of seeing and knowing the other as an individual, and working through difficulties in good faith within the relationship and within oneself.

 

Several years ago I read The Surrendered Wife and thought that it was the way forward. I intended to follow it to the letter and make guys fall in love with me. I’m not sure when it started to give me a sour taste, but probably when I started seeing how other reductive clichés about relationships and dating had been worse than useless to me — they’d been damaging. The Surrendered Wife was and is more of the same. And I started to want to be seen and appreciated for all of me, not just my sweet smile and my “Whatever you think.”  And when I tried to reread the book a few months ago for curiosity’s sake, I couldn’t stomach one sentence and discarded it.

 

Here is my marriage advice, from someone who is being very transparent about having never been married or even engaged. Work on deeply, deeply loving and caring for yourself. Approach your triggers with curiosity, learn as best you can what coping tools help you, nurture your female friendships. Read books that share actionable, evidence-based strategies for increasing your relational self-awareness and strengthening your relationships, like books by Drs. John Gottman, Sue Johnson, and Alexandra Solomon. Daven for Hashem to help you be a good partner and have a happy marriage because circumstances and outcomes are all from Hashem. I’m sure there are other useful suggestions that people with more experience in this field can share, but that’s my start, for myself. As I once heard on a podcast with Dr. Alexandra Solomon, marriage brings up wounds that nothing else has before. It is always a work in progress. And when we are married, it’s work we get to do, within ourselves and in our relationship. And it’s more than smiling sweetly and saying, “Whatever you think.”