I recently read an excellent book called What’s Your Grief? by Eleanor Haley and Litsa Williams, exploring the many facets of navigating and coping with a loss of any kind. I like the bullet point format, which makes the book easy to read and digest.
One of the topics addressed is regret. Our brains often tell us that something could have or would have worked out better had we made different choices, and that we should have known better. The brain often uses these cognitive processes to think about past decisions:
- Confirmation bias. This is the tendency to selectively pay attention to evidence that supports one belief, while ignoring contradictory evidence (ex. “I should have gotten married already; people who get married younger have an easier adjustment.” Well, maybe some do, but I’m sure you could find others who don’t…).
- Hindsight bias. This is the tendency to believe that outcomes were predictable and to notice information that is consistent with what we now know to be true while ignoring neutral or contradictory evidence (ex. “I knew I shouldn’t have taken him seriously when he said he was going to do kiruv in Vladivostok; now he’s just an accountant in Lakewood.” Easy enough to say that in hindsight, but at the time you were dating him, what did he actually tell you?).
- Counterfactual thinking. This is the act of coming up with alternative outcomes counter to or different from the fact. One might believe they would have had a better outcome if only they had done something different (ex. “If I had just given it another date, my feelings would have changed.” You know this how?).
The brain is so persuasive — these automatic beliefs seem like unquestionable truths. It can help to learn how to identify these cognitive processes, and introduce doubt by considering alternate possibilities. Many things can be true at the same time: the situation you are in now is stinky and scary and painful, and different decisions might just as easily have resulted in the same. And, might I add, we believe that Someone bigger than this entire mess is orchestrating events.
I hope this is helpful to you, and that if you are struggling with difficult thoughts about past experiences, that you can heal, practice self-compassion, and find strength in your relationship with Hashem.
