Awake On a Long Flight To Somewhere

My friend used this analogy to describe what it feels like to be in a difficult situation unfolding on its own timeline. There’s not much you can do (i.e. nothing) to shorten the timeframe; what you can do is find ways to make the process more tolerable.

 

Recently, when I was rereading this book about dating/waiting, I considered (not for the first time) that all these years I’ve been trying to get to that one last thing I need to do to “break out” of my situation — but that’s all wrong. Hishtadlus + results = illusion. The books I’ve read, piles of journals I’ve filled, workshops, coaching, therapy, life changes — these have been, for the most part, amazing for me. But they are for me. They aren’t an entry ticket to someplace.

 

A friend who got married at 37 shared she was told by Rav Chaim Kanievsky ztz”l (via a message from the gabbai) that older singles should know they are not responsible for their situation, and sometimes Hashem delays a yeshua because He wants our tefillos. My friend said that in the end what she found was not that the inner work made her yeshua come faster, but that it made the dating and relationship process easier.

 

This is quite a frustrating truth to accept because I really, really want there to be a formula that works – no matter how much it demands of me! And at the same time, a part of me knows the task before me now is to let go and pray, while continuing to develop as a person.

 

I just want to add that one day I hope to have the opportunity to help others cope with this most challenging and misunderstood nisayon. Now I am often maxed out emotionally dealing with my own, but my hope and prayer is to pay it forward and help others feel seen, understood, and have hope.