I got a text this week from someone who wanted to discuss a shidduch, and they asked if I was busy. I couldn’t tell if they meant busy as in otherwise occupied at that moment, or busy as in dating someone.
But busy, I am. I recently read a book on optimizing time management for happiness, and I learned that people need 2-5 hours per day of discretionary time in order to feel happy. I am way overscheduled at the moment, and I’m currently grappling with how to find my way out.
In my younger adult years, I would not have called myself career-focused. I wanted to become a stay-at-home mother, and I brought this up now and again with guys I went out with, as it was important to me that they know it was a priority. I grew up with a stay-at-home mother myself, and I know the world is different now, but still.
In my upper twenties, I started thinking more about and focusing more on growing a career. At that time I was changing fields and feeling my work life get more in line with my innate strengths and personality. I was also looking for the experience of success and competence in an area of life that at least I could somewhat control. It felt exciting and energizing to think about where my career could take me. I got an internship at a large nonprofit in Manhattan, and it led to my first “big girl” job, which honestly helped me socially, in addition to professionally, by giving me fascinating stories to share and often impressing people.
Around the time that I had to think about changing living arrangements, I started to feel very down about life in general, feeling that I did not have a real place anywhere. I felt very lost, and it was a difficult period. I decided that I needed a new goal, something exciting to work towards, and that is when I enrolled in a PhD program.
I moved back to my parents’ house and continued to feel lost, looking for a path forward. Believe it or not, another job opportunity (as in, a second job in addition to my current job) fell in my lap and I really wanted it, so…I took it.
Which means that at the moment I have a job on Sundays (which requires prep and additional work during the week), a 40-hour job Monday through Friday, and classes and papers for a PhD program. I’m also doing ongoing training in therapeutic writing, with readings and homework as well.
I am much too busy.
Much, much, much too busy.
People often use the cliché with regard to single people that “it’s good to be busy.” Is it, though? I mean, sure, it’s good to have a fairly regular structure, social connection, an income of your own, personal goals, but what exactly is the value in busy, for its own sake? I’m not a two-year-old on Erev Pesach who needs to be kept busy…
I recently spoke with a mentor about how I am feeling, and she validated my feelings of burnout and fogginess. She said that the 9-5 rat race is unsustainable for many women who need to be in a space of rhythm and flow, in tune with their changing needs and energies. I so feel this. If I am being honest with myself, I need to deconstruct everything I am currently doing and decide what can stay and what has to go. And I think a lot of it has to go. I’m not even sure I should be working full time, even though I don’t have other significant responsibilities. It’s weird and vulnerable to write this, and my job has been a source of pride, but I am not sure what its place in my life is right now.
This is a time of a lot of thoughtfulness and reflection for me, as I try to listen for who I am and what I need from life right now. It feels like I am at a border, and everything interesting happens at borders. Let’s see.
When they ask if you’re busy it only means one thing!
That sounds like a ton!
How did you decide on your career change (s)?
I felt bored and unhappy, simply put. I wasn’t doing work that was in alignment with my personality.
So often I feel like you can read my mind and then you eloquently express all the thoughts floating around in there. I am also currently working at 2 jobs. And I like both of them and I wonder if I need to give up on one just to have time to breathe. Can you elaborate on the 2-5 hours of discretionary time? That sounds like a lot of time. Is it meant to be used in chunks of time or do 2 minutes here and 5 minutes there give you that happy feeling? May you have the courage to make the changes that will bring you relief and happiness.
Thank you so much. I’m looking over my notes from the book and I didn’t write anything about how to divide the time, but I think I’d feel it if I had discretionary time in say 30 minute chunks. I want to be able to sit on the couch and get lost in a book without ANYTHING nudging at me to get up and do something! When have I last felt that? (Well, maybe on Shabbos).
It is really hard to walk away from an opportunity and protect discretionary time, even though we need it for our mental heath. I keep reminding myself that in the end it will not be worth it if I burn myself out…but still hard to make a change.
Amen – for both of us.