At one point a few years ago, I gave myself a “shidduchim bedtime.” I had to stop thinking about shidduchim, checking WhatsApp and email, and waiting to hear back from people by 10:45 PM (the end of the civilized evening). Otherwise I’d compulsively check my phone just one more time as I got ready for a shower, got ready for bed, got into bed…
I remembered this last night as I sat working on my computer until all hours and checking my phone to see if a shadchan had responded to my message.
When I reflect on this urge to stay up late waiting to hear from someone, I realize that I have a kind of illogical FOMO around shidduch suggestions. It’s as if my being available until late increases the likelihood of hearing from someone. In reality, of course, if someone will reach out, their message will still be there in the morning.
It’s hard for me to let go and trust, trust, trust. Even after I daven or do something spiritual that brings me to a place of inner calm, I have a hard time staying with that and not looking for yet another practical form of hishtadlus. It’s like a little voice urges me to put out more feelers, cast another net, when truly Hashem doesn’t need my feelers or my net, and what I need most of all is a break. I’d love to reach a place where I viscerally feel that davening is hishtadlus, at least sometimes. And where I’m able to let go and know that everything I need will still be there in the morning.
P.S. Just wanted to share this amazing photo — it was just 78 years since D-Day.
