Last week we talked about establishing independence while living with your parents. In some circles in the frum world, young adults routinely move out of their parents’ homes after graduating seminary/college, but in others, that’s not a given. Where this is the case, it’s easy to get stuck in a sort of limbo identity, not a child but not quite an adult. At first, this might feel fine, as early adulthood can be pretty overwhelming and it’s helpful when someone else is doing laundry or stocking the fridge. However, as time passes, it can start to feel pretty frustrating and stifling to be in this in-between space, as you’re old enough to be a wife and mother in your own home.
If you feel this but your best living arrangement right now is to live with your parents, there are a few things you can do that might relieve some of those frustrated feelings and help you feel freer.
The first thing I would suggest is to reflect on how you see yourself. Do you believe you are equally adult to your married peers? Why or why not? Are there “adult” things you would like to do but don’t know how or where to start (ex. anything with finances, travel, college, job)? How does the way other people see you influence how you see yourself? Can you create your own identity as a person or are you pulled into old roles and dynamics and expectations of you?
(Total side note: I think we should start a campaign to get more singles to attend community dinners and functions. Aside from the visibility — hello, we exist and are adult humans who are part of this community — I think it’s a really healthy message to send yourself.)
My next suggestion is to let your family follow your lead. If you demonstrate that you take yourself seriously and that your personal life is important, people are generally apt to respect that. Of course there are exceptions and I would recommend therapy to anyone who is struggling with family dynamics, but as a general rule, people will reflect the messages you send.
Another idea is to take this opportunity to explore what the world has to offer. Sometimes we get pigeonholed into one way of thinking about ourselves or of being (ex. the math brain, the head counselor…) but when we try out new experiences of ourselves we are freed from these limitations.
Finally, I would suggest something I learned from Kathryn Alice which is to create your world now that you want to have when you are married. This includes acquiring relationships, skills and abilities and even physical possessions that together contribute to the life you envision for yourself once you meet the right person. You can do this regardless of where you live or who you live with since so much of this happens internally.
I hope these suggestions are helpful! Have a great Shabbos.
