A few years ago I learned of the concept of the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) by Dr. Elaine Aron. The concept resonated with me so I took the quiz and discovered that I am just about on the border of testing as an HSP.
According to Dr. Aron’s research, HSPs comprise about 20% of the population. HSPs have heightened sensitivity to subtleties and nuances as well as environmental stimuli, compared to the general population. The trait of sensitivity is not a disorder (like sensory processing disorder), but a specific personality type. Highly sensitive people tend to be empathic and perceptive and have a deep appreciation for things of beauty. In order to be at their best, HSPs need to really pay attention to their environment and how it is affecting them because it plays such an important role in their functioning.
While the HSP temperament is inborn, experiences can also make someone more sensitive to their environment. Of course this is often the case after trauma (whether big T or little t trauma) but it’s also possible for more “normal” life experiences to have this effect.
In shidduchim, we are exposed to a large number of “normal” experiences (and maybe some less-normal experiences) that accumulate and take a toll. Experiences that leave us feeling attacked and unprotected, like having to justify ourselves for being where we are even though we don’t understand what we did wrong. Or where we feel confused, uncomfortable, or embarressed (often in public), or disappointed (sometimes crushingly). Interactions where we are judged or misunderstood (by dates, family, or friends). Conversations where our desires and needs are not respected (by others and by our own inner critics). Situations where we are forced to hurt someone or are being hurt ourselves. Some of us are naturally more sensitive to the toll of this process, and others become more sensitive over time. For a gentle-souled person, shidduchim can be traumatic. The process exposes your soul to so much.
It’s hard for someone who hasn’t been here to understand the depth of the hurt and weariness that can result. The people who care about us would like us to be like little video game avatars that pop back up when we’re down, but real humans aren’t like that. Because others can’t always relate, we need to be empowered to advocate for ourselves, for our mental health and wellbeing, and for the voice of our intuition to be heard. We need to know that we don’t always have to justify our choices to other people to make them the right choices.
When we have heightened sensitivity to everything connected to shidduchim, interactions and conversations that outsiders see as benign can activate your stress response and be really difficult. “Just trying” someone’s idea, for example, might not be realistic. Casually sending out your resume, answering personal questions however well-meant — these things can feel immensely painful. Your heart is precious. It’s a big deal to constantly open it.
It’s such a difficult spot for many people, to let go of the fear of messing up by not always being open and available and compliant, and instead to prioritize your mental health. But sometimes it’s not even a choice, it’s just what has to be done. Sometimes we just can’t, but Hashem always can.
Does this concept — being/becoming an HSP in shidduchim — resonate with you? Do you think you’ve become more sensitive in shidduchim?
“Your heart is precious. It’s a big deal to constantly open it.” YES.