A reader asked what I thought of singles events like speed dating and dating sites like Saw You At Sinai. I can only comment on the first from my own experience but if any of you have thoughts about either, please share in the comments!
I went through a short period about 5-6 years ago when I went to many speed dating events. It seemed to be the “thing” at that time; speed dating was a pretty new development in Bais Yaakov-type circles and I kept hearing about it from friends and family. At the time I thought it was a good way to change things up and do something more open while still staying in the bounds of appropriate hishtadlus.
Looking back, I don’t think speed dating was a good idea for me. But you live and learn!
Speed dating relies on externals to the exclusion of anything more. I don’t think it’s fair. I think I’ve passed judgment too quickly and that guys have passed judgment on me too quickly. Dating and marriage requires us to give time and attention to a relationship. You don’t have to date everyone you hear about just like they don’t have to date you. But if you decide you are willing to meet someone, you need to honor them with your time and attention. An hour in Starbucks is fine, but five minutes in a room buzzing with other options? I once worked with a frum guy who told me he felt that speed dating was disrespectful and I think that’s a good word.
I’ll let you in on a secret. Years ago I wrote a draft of a post extolling the wonders of speed dating. I had just come home from an event and was sure I had just met my husband. Turns out the guy wasn’t interested. Well, six years later I’m still single (so is he). I’ve been redt to him numerous times and he has asserted that he is positive my personality is not for him. Maybe? I don’t remember what he might have seen. It was five minutes six years ago.
It’s all bashert. But I’ve learned that trying too hard to create movement is not in my best interests. I think that for me, Hashem prefers ordinary, respectful hishtadlus.
I would love to hear from you about your thoughts, feelings and experiences with singles events or dating sites!
Did you actually date anyone you met at a speed-dating event? Was the experience any different than typical dating since you met in a more relaxed organic way?
I dated two people I met speed dating. One was someone I had wanted to date after meeting him; he wasn’t interested initially and then resurfaced a year or two later. The other had wanted to date me and I had said no and then he was redt to me again a few years later so I decided to give it a try. I didn’t feel that having met them before made much of a difference, for what that’s worth. (And neither guy was at all for me “in real life,” either).