Hi, everyone. I hope you all had a good Y”T. It’s been awhile since I added to our mindful dating series but it’s one of my favorite things on this blog so here’s another installment!
Let’s say you’re on a date, maybe it’s the first or third or fifth, and you’re hit with a wave of anxiety. You get caught in a loop of thoughts telling you that you have to know where this is going, or you’re getting irritated about something about the guy and then mad at yourself for losing focus, or you feel like you’re not being authentic and wish you were able to share more of yourself, or any of the other forms dating anxiety can take.
Number one: Know that you are normal! Do not start judging yourself and thinking that you must be uniquely bad at this dating thing and that’s why nothing has worked out.
Number two: Notice and label. An effective way to disrupt the cycle of anxiety is to shift your focus onto something in your environment and away from what’s going on in your head. Notice the feelings and sensations in your body and label them. Is your jaw clenched, your breath becoming shallow, are your ankles tensing?
Number three (really this is layered into one and two): Practice self-compassion. Self-compassion includes three components: self-kindness (speaking to yourself with gentleness the way you would speak to a friend or a child who is suffering), mindfulness (being aware of your feelings, thoughts, and sensations in the moment), and common humanity (knowing that we are all human, we are all flawed, and we all struggle). When we exercise self-compassion, we hold ourselves gently and lovingly as we are and don’t try to force any change. Paradoxically, this is what allows change to happen.
Number four: Physically ground yourself. If possible, press both feet into the floor and imagine that they have roots. Be a tree. Whatever is happening around you won’t topple you. You are a strong tree rooted to the earth can remain grounded no matter what is happening. If you can’t press your feet down (up on a barstool?), apply pressure to your upper thighs with your hands and ground yourself that way.
Number five: Enter the flow. Here’s where you actually come back to the moment and start having fun with it. It really is possible. Remind yourself that your only job is be on the date. That is all. You don’t have to know ANYTHING ELSE. You don’t have to check any mental notes or make any decisions or run any commentary. Just be in the room. Give yourself total permission to be there and only there. What happens after is not your problem, your only job is to be on the date.
Kathryn Alice had a few pointers for effective dating that I think are helpful here.
- Revel in the moment; we’re so distracted all the time, it’s a pleasure to do nothing but be there for the other person.
- Pretend you’ll be quizzed about your date afterwards so pay attention! Use the date as an opportunity to work on your listening skills. Focusing on the other person takes your mind off yourself.
- Use the date as an opportunity to practice maintaining eye contact.
- If you’re bored, you’re not looking deep enough (says Kathryn)!
I know dating can be so, so hard and take so much out of you. It’s hard to change patterns that develop over time but it can be done and you can have relief from dating anxiety. Just remember self-compassion and patience with the process — a lot of it! If you would like to read more about managing dating anxiety, please let me know and I will work on more posts. I hope these pointers are very helpful to you.
Take care. Have a wonderful day!
