Hey, all, I just wanted to take a look at some common shidduch clichés and reexamine them. What I find the most irritating about the items on this list is that they all make such sweeping generalities and then leave it up to you to know how, or even whether, to apply them to your situation. Which isn’t really fair, as many of these clichés are common pieces of advice that have some truth to them, however limited, so it’s really hard to be on the receiving end and know when to disregard them. Let’s take a look:
If you really want to make something work, you can make it work.
Define “make something work,” with specifics, please, not more clichés. Should you “make it work” with someone who is abusive to you? Someone you aren’t attracted to? Someone whose company you don’t enjoy? It’s easy to tell singles to just decide to “make it work” or stay single, but maybe it would be more helpful to define the parameters of a relationship worth making “work.”
You just need someone who is normal/nice/has good middos/is a growing person etc.
I know loads of girls who are normal/nice/have good middos/are growing people and I’m not friends with them. Kal v’chomer someone who I will be sharing a home and family with until 120. In order to be able to do that, I need something quite a bit more specific than nice and normal. And so does the vast majority of people. Don’t gaslight me, please.
You never know!
Yes, that’s true. You never know. You never know — you might win a trip to Australia or discover you were switched at birth or bump into J.K. Rowling at 7-11. You really never know. Except sometimes you do know. What do you know? You know when the odds are good enough to push yourself to go out with someone or to meet a certain shadchan, and you know when they’re probably not. And that’s really all anyone can expect you to know.
You have to really want it in order for it to happen.
OMG, talk about gaslighting. And yes, you really want it. Believe me, if you’re spending your valuable time reading a blog about shidduchim, it’s not because you don’t want to get married. There is perhaps, perhaps some guidance of a metaphysical nature in this piece of advice — something like, in order to let love in, you have to identify and remove the barriers to love that you’ve subconsciously erected. And that’s actually a concept I can get behind because I think it’s just another way of saying that shidduchim is a process of healing and growth that enables love to come into your life. But to state it in the above fashion (and I’ve heard this! more than once!) is just using a blunt ax to make a much more nuanced point.
Men need respect, women need love.
Everyone needs respect and everyone needs love — and ultimately, what two people need in a relationship is safety (see the work of Sue Johnson for more on this). I am not discounting gender differences, which are significant and real on both a neuropsychological/physical level as well as spiritual level. I am of course not discounting the many Torah sources that discuss the specific obligations of a husband to a wife and vice versa. I am fully aware that men and women have differing emotional needs and that a smart person who wants a fulfilling marriage would do well to learn about them. What I do not appreciate is the oversimplification stated above, and how much of the story it leaves out.
And that’s all for now, folks. What are your favorite shidduch clichés?
P.S. Read this!!
The line about wanting it in order for it to happen is something Menucha Bialik talks about a lot in her newsletters, and it’s actually something that resonates with me, I know I have a lot of “I want it – but…”s going on in my head. And it’s true that if I really, really wanted just to be married, I would be married.
I think that’s actually one of the functions of tefilla – asking Hashem for what you want forces you to clarify what you want and why you want it.
I have a bunch of thoughts on this (the concept of “wanting it enough” is something I have grappled with a lot) so here goes:
Mrs. Bialik introduced me to the concept of ratzon, which, as you mention, is something she teaches about a lot. For those who aren’t familiar, I would define ratzon as the single-minded desire and determination to achieve something. In order to have true ratzon, a person needs to be aware of any other conflicting or contradictory desires or beliefs that may be getting in the way (ex. I’ll never be truly loved for who I am, or I won’t ever really respect someone else). The idea is that you get in touch with the things that might be blocking your ratzon and work through them so you can achieve true ratzon, which is a spiritual force in creation that actually makes things happen.
I think the concept of ratzon is incredibly empowering and motivating. Learning about it has helped me get honest with myself about my fears and insecurities.
When I write about the cliched “You have to really want it,” I’m referring to those who oversimplify this process. It’s not a simple binary, that those with true ratzon get married and those without stay single. And it doesn’t work the other way either, that someone’s marital status indicates their level of ratzon.
The process of removing blocks to one’s ratzon to get married is an incredibly deep journey of growth, and there are reasons we don’t understand why Hashem gives some people the push to get in touch with those parts of themselves while others don’t have to. I truly do not believe that if I’d only want it enough, I’d be married.
I recently had an experience that proved this to me so clearly. At risk of writing another entire post in this comment, I will tell you about it.
A girl I know called me about a year ago about a guy she dated. She described him to me and I told her I didn’t think he was what I’m looking for. She called me back a few months later to suggest it again and I had the same answer. Then she called me a third time (totally breaking girl-code, I know) and I looked into him a little more and I still did not think he was for me. But because she’d called me three times it was a little hard to put him fully out of my head. After several more months of grappling with self-doubt, I said yes. I was not excited about several aspects of his profile but she had really thought highly of him so I decided to put those out of my mind and focus on the good he was presenting with, too. I was so, so determined to give it my all that I actually wrote a blog post (still in my drafts) about getting engaged to him and telling you guys this whole story and how Hashem makes things happen even if we say no…I was really, really determined to go all the way.
Guess what? One date. He said no. Not a shidduch.
My point is that you can be trying SO hard to be SO committed to getting married even if it involves sacrifice, and if something is not bashert, it still won’t happen.
So of course, go for the spiritual avodah of working through things that make it hard to want marriage, but don’t believe you’re single because you don’t want it enough.
Haha love this. Not sure if this exactly fits in here, but another favorite is “Just keep an open mind.”
Translation: maybe revisit the priorities you just expressed.
Used in many contexts, including but not limited to:
When redt to a guy that has some things that concern you and you have to do some further research. “Remember to keep an open mind!”
Before you go out on a 3rd date when you feel it’s not for you, but you agreed to give it one more shot. “Just remember to have an open mind!”
After someone asks what you’re looking for, and after you get passed “male” and “frum” you are too specific for them. “Just have an open mind!”
As if we have such a close minded view to shidduchim (whatever that means??). As if we are not constantly evaluating and re-evaluating what we need and where we can be flexible. As if we don’t continue trying and hoping and trying again, even when it doesn’t sound exactly as we’ve imagined. As if WE are the ones demanding pictures, support, nitty grittys…Sheesh.
Yes! “Just keep an open mind” definitely deserves a place on this list. Sometimes I want to look people straight on and say, “If you don’t think I’m trying hard enough to get married, please just come out and say it and then we can have a discussion. You don’t need to drop hints.”