This week Mishpacha printed a LifeLines story and aaargh I read it and ask myself why? Probably should have quit while I was ahead but I didn’t so here’s a new post.
In all fairness, every person is fully entitled to share their story, and the story itself is fairly innocuous. It’s basically one young man’s account of his journey through shidduchim and it follows a pretty straightforward trajectory — making necessary life changes, learning to prioritize essential needs, seeking guidance, etc. No rocket science here, but fine. It was the moralizing that got to me. As the storyteller reaches each personal breakthrough, he not-so-subtly insinuates that his fellow singles who don’t follow suit are simply self-sabotaging themselves. For example, he tries to convince a friend to talk to a dating coach but gets “nowhere” with him. And he attends a networking event where most of the singles struggle to articulate what they are looking for while he, “for one,” has come prepared.
He concludes, “…I honestly don’t think [the shidduch system] needs fixing…But I don’t think we spend enough time addressing the main issue: the people within the system. No change to the system will help if singles are not willing to look honestly at who they really are, build themselves up, narrow down their needs, and push the boundaries of their comfort zones.”
I don’t know who you hang out with, but the vast majority of singles I know are honest about who they are. They have mentors and coaches. They work on themselves in myriad ways. They know what they are looking for (even if it’s hard to articulate in front of a crowd!). They are willing to try, given the energy and stamina (and no one can be expected to constantly push themselves out of their comfort zone with no reprieve).
They are trying their best to get married.
They are trying their best to get married and articles like this do a huge disservice to them. Because the implication here is that if you are single, you must be doing something wrong. And nothing could be further from the truth.
Shidduchim is a nisayon from Hashem. Do you think that the 19-year-old who got married to her first guy was somehow more evolved and self-aware than you are? Do you think your classmates who were married long ago had worked on themselves to the point where they were open to any kind of package as long as their most essential needs were met? Or do you think Hashem made shidduchim easier for them and sent them the right one quickly?
Obviously as with any nisayon, shidduchim requires hishtadlus on your part. Obviously, if you were placed in a situation, you’re meant to learn from it and grow through the experience. But we all have different abilities and needs and limitations. We all have our own process. We each have our own “personal best” and it’s no one’s business to judge whether we’re doing enough.
There is no formula for getting married. If there was, we’d all follow it and get married. For someone to point fingers and say they know the reason someone else is single, or even to imply that they have an idea of what the reason might be…That’s wrong and it’s arrogant and it’s deeply unfair. They don’t know, and no one knows.
Finally, of course shidduchim is a motivator, but really, try to make the most of their life for your own sake, regardless of when the right one shows up. You are a whole person already.
