At the end of February, right before everything shut down, a friend was working on an international shidduch for me and I was all, “I think I should fly to meet him, it’s ridiculous to meet someone over Zoom.”
Hahahaha.
Apparently it’s not so ridiculous, after all.
This new frontier in shidduch dating definitely deserves a real discussion. Although I have not personally dated over Zoom, some friends have shared their experiences with me. Also, I do know what it’s like to get to know other people via technology, and I’ve had some training in transitioning to teletherapy, so here are some thoughts:
It is possible to get to know someone, even deeply, over video. Plenty of therapists work exclusively online and are extremely effective. Seeing someone’s face creates connection, even if it’s not in person. Faces make our brains happy 🙂 . On the other hand, phone calls come more naturally to some because they’re a mode of communication we’re used to. Phone dating can potentially be more comfortable because it gives you more flexibility about where to be and what to be doing and wearing while you’re on the “date.” A possibility is to get to know someone first using video and then mix it up with phone calls if you think that would be helpful.
If you are using a video platform like Zoom, some pointers:
- Have your lighting source in front of you so it will light up your face, instead of behind you where it will cast you into shadow.
- If possible, do a test run with your camera and lighting and adjust makeup accordingly. Do a test run with your microphone as well.
- You will miss out on the other person’s body language that can only be experienced in in-person interactions. That is the reality of our times and we are all adapting to it. You can only do what you can do.
- Video chats make us work harder to pick up whatever non-verbal cues we can access, which makes staring at the screen exhausting. Silences can also make us anxious that something happened to the connection. “Zoom fatigue” is a real phenomenon. Shorter dates are expected. Something like 90 minutes seems to be fairly common.
- Don’t worry about messing up. This is a totally new experience for all of us. It’s allowed to get awkward and stilted. Share your concerns with the shadchan. Just be honest if you think you need a shorter date, or if you’re worried about noise in the house or your WiFi connection or anything else. If we’ve learned one thing from coronavirus, it’s that not much is within our control and we need to cut each other — and ourselves — lots of slack.
- In order to work out logistics in real time, you’ll find yourself emailing or texting the other party a bit earlier than you normally might have (i. e. to set up the first date). It’s just the reality right now and part of the adventure.
- There is a fascinating phenomenon called the “disinhibition effect.” Some teletherapists find that when clients are interacting with them virtually, instead of sharing a physical space, the client is more willing to take risks and share something they might not have otherwise. Same with virtual communication in general. We tend to be bolder when we are shielded by the screen and the cyberspace between us. So this can potentially work a couple of ways in dating. It can help us be more natural and spontaneous and approach the date with a more relaxed attitude (which are real benefits to this format!) It can also make anyone with abusive tendencies kinda out themselves faster by crossing boundaries more quickly and covering themselves less carefully (not to freak you out or anything, but it’s a phenomenon).
- As with more traditional dating, it’s okay to need time. And it’s okay to not know.
I hope these points were helpful! If you have any more suggestions, please share them in the comments! It’s a whole new world; let’s help each other navigate it.
(Image: a nod to the original distance dating)
