The Third Option

At a shalosh seudos this past Shabbos, someone (who knows I have Many Opinions on Things) exclaimed, “You have to read the Open Mic article from this week’s Mishpacha!” Immediately, some others at the table began protesting that I’d only find it upsetting. So I insisted on reading it, of course.

 

To summarize, the author writes that just as many idealistic women are abandoning chinuch in favor of more lucrative and rewarding fields, many single women are in danger of abandoning their interest in marriage in favor of satisfying careers. The shidduch process is simply too degrading.

 

Maybe they are in danger. I personally don’t think so, but I don’t know. What I do know is that this article is likely to unleash another storm of letters to the editor, some bemoaning the secularization of single women, some labeling the author a quitter, some offering kudos for her bravery, some pointing fingers at anyone and everyone who can be held responsible for the current state of affairs.

 

But one thing came to mind for me when I first finished reading what she had to say. It was the teaching of Chazal: “Never judge your fellow until you reach their place.” And as a friend once pointed out, “You will never reach their place. You will never be exactly where they are, with their history, their experiences, their abilities, their nature. So you can never judge anyone.”

 

I don’t know how old the letter-writer is or what her experiences have been. But based on what she writes, they’ve been depressing and demoralizing. And it’s no one’s place to judge what she’s thinking and feeling now because of them.

 

Wherever you are, I want you to know that if you’re out of hope, you can borrow a cup of mine. Someone once made that offer to me when I was that depressed. And I’d like to pay it forward.

 

I also want you to know that there is a third option: instead of choosing marriage or choosing career — you can choose you. Because you are not defined by either of the above. And you are so much more than what happens to you. Put yourself at the center of this story. Shidduchim is on a pedestal it doesn’t deserve. Knock it down. Take back the narrative. Do you want a husband and a family in your life? Then you are going to persevere. Because you. Not because society. Not because normal. Not because sheitel. Not because minivan. Because you want this (if you do want this — and reading between the lines, you do) and no one gets to decide when or if or why you should give up.

 

You mention that secular women don’t necessarily see marriage as a goal or means to fulfillment. While marriage can certainly be a means to very, very deep fulfillment, it shouldn’t be a goal — for the simple reason that goals are things we choose to work towards, and marriage is a gift. But you can set other goals for yourself. They do not need to be big. They do not need to be exciting. But they can help you become the person you were meant to be, irrespective of your current marital status, or even your career choice. You were born to strive towards completion. Not completion within marriage but within yourself. And marriage is a tool. Career is a tool. And both involve yad Hashem. And the nisyonos involved in the pursuit of one or the other (yes, for most of us on this site, career was not the biggie…) are also tools.

 

I agree that society could do with some changes. I agree that too often, women get the short end of the stick. I also believe, though, that even with unfairness and injustice and struggle, you have no evidence that Hashem will forget about you. We can work towards making things better for other people (by writing, for example — and more single women should do it), while also believing that even the way things feel now, Hashem has a way to make things work out very, very well for each and every one of us.

 

Thank you for writing, and thank you for reading.