This time last year, I did not feel ready for Yom Kippur. I just couldn’t get into it. I didn’t think I had done any semblance of a proper teshuva. And I just wanted to stay home from shul.
I called up one of my role model/friends and asked her to give me whatever chizuk came to mind. These are some of my notes on what she said.
-Davening with a tzibur is immensely powerful. The “me” becomes “we.” You have the zechus of everyone’s teshuva, everyone’s needs, everyone’s good deeds. The teshuva of a tzibur is always accepted, that’s why we sing the communal vidui.
-It’s a mitzva to eat on Erev Yom Kippur because we’re showing we’re not anxious. We believe this Yom Kippur is going to be great. Yom Kippur is the day Hashem wants to accept teshuva.
-The avodah of Yom Kippur is to fast. Even if that means you won’t be able to daven. You’re always successful on Yom Kippur.
-Hashem accepts even a little bit of teshuva. You want to do as much as possible, but whatever you can do is great. Mashal: A bunk in camp won a prize, that everyone gets ten minutes in the canteen to take what they want. They run around trying to grab what they can, but at the end of the day, even if they can’t take everything, they can still go back another time and buy what they still want for the regular price. That’s teshuva on Yom Kippur. Hashem is open to accepting everything we can offer, but if we can’t offer everything we’ve got, we can continue to do teshuva throughout the year.
-Teshuva means making a small change that puts you in the direction of being more spiritual. If you want to be a more spiritual person, think about what you can do to get there. What did you used to do, or what is something new you can do? When you break down the problem, you can find the next step and it’s usually not that hard.
-Teshuva without change is also a concept: “I’m not holding there but I wish I was.” That’s the teshuva of Ne’ilah.
-Sometimes all we can do is not slide backwards a lot. It’s saying, “I’m going to recommit to something that has been a struggle.” Even if you try to work on something over and over, each year you bring new awareness, more tools, greater maturity.
This year, Elul/Tishrei time has been easier, b”H. A few things happened over the past year that helped me see and appreciate the positive movement in my life, even as they came with a lot of pain and struggle. Some years are like this, and some years are not like this. It’s not really up to us.
This week I listened to an amazing shiur by Rabbi Moshe Weinberger shlit”a. Also this little video is worth watching. I hope you find something here to inspire you to feel positive anticipation for Yom Kippur.
Wishing you a gmar chasima tova! Have an easy fast, and an uplifting and ultimately joyous Yom Kippur.
