A few weeks ago, a family friend called and said, “I was working on a shidduch for you and the mother said she spoke to your references and they told her you’re not interested in someone who X.” Now, this was inaccurate and I told this person as much (and I highly doubt my references, who know me well, worded it like that, anyway). She asked me what to do. I told her, “You can call the mother back and state that what she heard is not true, and leave it at that.”
In the past, a phone call like this would thrown me off kilter. I would have begun ruminating, “What are people saying about me? What did I do wrong? Oh, no, the right kind of guy is not going to go out with me. I need to track down who said what and fix this.”
But this book has a chapter devoted to ruminating (love the word, by the way), and since I read it, I have gotten much better about catching my thoughts before they spiral off into fear or despair.
Regarding this phone call, I thought: Maybe my friends were being grilled and something they meant to say came out wrong. Maybe they were momentarily distracted and said something inaccurate. Maybe they were cut off, cut out, misheard, misunderstood. It’s none of my business. No filter is powerful enough to keep my bashert from me. When it’s the right one and the right time, the shidduch could seem laughably off the mark and we’ll still meet each other and we’ll still like each other.
Maybe the mother heard misinformation because Hashem wants to keep me/the guy from wasting time/energy. Maybe this is the right shidduch but it needs more time, and at the right time it will come back around. Maybe it’s his time to get married and Hashem wants him to say no to me so he can say yes to the right one faster. Maybe this momentary discomfort is a kapparah for me that will bring me closer to the right one.
There are so many great reasons for something like this to happen. One of my friends occasionally teaches in a seminary and she does exercises like the above with her students. It’s such a helpful way to learn how to think.
I realized that there are many such instances when I feel/have felt a surge of anxiety and the need to be in control — How did they get their hands on that picture of me? Why didn’t anyone tell me Shadchan Y was coming to the simcha? Who would circulate such an outdated edition of my resume?, and maybe the answer is: other people’s actions, words, perceptions, and ideas are not my responsibility. If it’s not something I can choose, it’s not something I have to control. End.
It’s these everyday occurrences that ultimately build the foundation of emunah when it comes to the big things. May Hashem help us all have clarity to understand that He is the cause of all things.
