For three days before my first first date ever (not a typo), I could barely eat. Looking back, I can identify what fears were running through my mind, but at the time I had no idea. My pre-first date nerves have calmed way down, but it’s still a challenge to maintain complete presence of mind. I wrote down some things that might come up that make it more difficult to stay present and grounded when dating someone.
A general feeling that you don’t know what you’re doing. Perhaps you don’t know what to look for on dates or how to find out what you want to know. Maybe you don’t know what questions to ask or topics to discuss; how, when and to what degree to open up; or how to evaluate what happened on the date and make a decision about the next step. Perhaps you’re afraid of missing red flags, turning down the right one, falling for the wrong one, or of making some other big mistake. While each of these points in turn has had reams written about it by other people, I’ll tell you what helped me the most: investing in a relationship with a good dating coach. It’s really helpful to talk things through with someone who has a lot of experience with other people’s processes. No one person will have all the answers, of course, so it doesn’t hurt to do your own reading and learning. I mentioned a couple of books that are great to start with, and also have a list of questions for you.
Creating a narrative based on limited information. This can take the form of either a positive or negative narrative about the other person. Our brains like to fill in missing information by making assumptions that we then believe as fact. (For real.) While you can’t totally prevent this, just the awareness that we are indeed making assumptions can help us to keep an open mind. It’s a good idea to write down what you know and then questions to ask (either during research or on the date itself), based on the information you already have, to clarify what is fact and what is projection. This column by Sara Eisemann had a lot of good advice about clarifying what you need to know with regard to more complex situations. Staying open and curious about the other person will allow you to truly get to know who they are, beyond the assumptions and stereotypes.
Believing you won’t have the kind of marriage you want or the kind of chosson you want. If you believe this, even very deep down, you are always going to feel an edge of despair and hopelessness when a shidduch comes up, because inside, you expect to be disappointed regardless of what happens. The antidote for this won’t be effectively applied when you are busy dating, but in the time in between. Ask yourself: Why do you believe this? Is it your parents’ marriage? Or the marriages of other people around you? Do you believe you’re unworthy, or that you need to possess certain qualities for the kind of marriage you want to be possible? Can you realistically describe your current personal struggles? Do you believe you lack essential skills for building a happy, healthy marriage? Can you describe what you want from yourself and from your marriage, and do you know how to work towards your goals? Do you have a “model marriage” you wish to emulate? Can you discuss your deepest dreams, desires, and fears with someone who can help you? These are very, very valuable insights.
Fearing emotional intimacy and vulnerability. Fear of abandonment or exposure or of exchanging a known challenge for an unknown can lead to high levels of anxiety and self-sabotaging behaviors. I read a book on this topic that was really insightful, and this Goodreads post summarizes the book’s main points.
Wanting a shidduch to not work out, because it would be a let-down. This one is harder to own up to because it seems ungrateful. But it’s very normal to think that after all this time, all these disappointments, all I’ve done, I might have to settle for someone who____? And the answer is no. You’re not going to settle. You’re going to marry someone who you recognize with clarity is right for you, and who you like very much, and you will understand that their entire package is part of who they are and there’s a reason you needed to wait for them and couldn’t marry any of the other people you met over the years.
Telling yourself you have to know right away if someone is right for you. Many people in deeply happy marriages today were pareve at best after their first few dates. I always thought I would be one of those who “just knew” but I have seen that it ain’t necessarily so. It’s okay to need a process. You won’t just date and date someone forever if you don’t like them more and more over time. Don’t be afraid to try, even though results are not guaranteed. As one of my friends said, “It is a beautiful thing to take the time to get to know someone deeply, regardless of the outcome.”
Do you have any other insights or ideas about how to date with presence and peace? Please share!
